A curious singularity

Ocean Wide

2012-02-03T01:42:00.000+08:00

Before I leave this space, for a few more days, a week or two.
I met Khai, Azizee and Izam after I saw you.
And they said, you were hanging out with your own group of friends, Budiyan and all.
Is that true?
I hope you're doing good.
Because I am not.
But anyway.
You may think I'm a liar, because I have someone else with me now.
But you can choose to not believe it, I tried to love someone or move on but I couldn't, because my heart is too stubborn to let go, and I was the one who tried to stick like glue to you, who earned you with my own bare hands.
I love you, you're precious like a prized possession to me.

When I first know you, it was 25th March 2009.
No I won't forget that.
We got together on the 8th of June.
These dates mean so much to me, even until now.

But that's what got us here:
If love is an ocean wide, we'll swim in the tears we cried.

Honestly, I hated Doris much for that.
For you, chose to look for her, instead of me, when things go wrong.
But I, then, couldn't do anything to change anything.
I was helpless, and very much, useless as a girlfriend.
That's why I wanted to let you go so much.
Because I often think I'm useless to you, and you feel so helpless, or even hopeless.
And of course, I didn't want you to feel that way.
It was my mistake, and I didn't learn from it.
Letting you go, was my mistake, but I didn't want to look for you either.
I just felt it's not the right time yet.
I have yet to grow up.
I have yet to enjoy, what I want, who I want to be with.

Remember Nizam, my neighbour?
The one I had a huge crush on?
Recently, I got the chance to be close to him, but I didn't want to.
because, I think I know nothing about him.
I just like him for who he is, not for what he has tried to do with me, or done for me.
Nothing, beats that.

Okay, good night
xoxo
Jazmyn

Hey February

2012-02-03T01:23:00.002+08:00

Hello February:
It's the 2nd day, okay going almost 3rd.
I missed you, baby.
So many times, I wanted to go up that house and slipped in a paper.
I wonder if you'd read it.
I wonder if you'd receive it.
Because at times I see Shamir on the streets, and he didn't acknowledged me either.
Surprisingly I always met Hafis, and yeah he never fails to say Hi and smile.
That's how friendly he was, with me.

Tonight, I met you.
I knew it was you from afar, because you know what.
You were wearing that shirt when we first met.

I kinda really hope you'd one day be reading this space of mine.
And whether by then, if you want to accept me or not again, it's your choice.
Pretty much your choice.

Because I'm kinda, broken now, and not the girl you used to know.
Someday, I'll post what happened to me.
Till to date.
I have to rely on alcohol and cigarettes and _________ just to live through the day.
Just so you know.
Not wanting you to pity me, but I got myself stuck with feelings-related issue(s) again.
and I wish to solve it soon, pretty soon.

Sweetest nightmare.

2012-02-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

Dedicate this song to you.
Because this song never fails to remind me of you baby.
Remember the first night, we had ___
I'm not focusing on that, but on that fateful morning.
The early wee hours of the morning, we held hands and walked out of East Coast Park.
And we're playing this song.
That's how I remember it.
Yes, I love you for that.

Yesterday was your birthday, February 1st.
Not that I didn't want to post anything, I was too tired that I knocked out after meeting.
Me being me, I've got loads to say.
I'm not gonna say things like "Thanks Mama for giving birth to you 21 years ago."
But, I mean it on your 19th.
Wow. It's been 2 years huh?
Baby, I hope I bump you on the streets again.
and tonight, yes, tonight, I saw you.
I feel so upset over everything.
and there and then, I thought to myself.
Not because of adrenaline rush, but if ever we meet again, I would go up to you and say HI, I don't care what your reaction was. Because you're the sweetest dream I really don't wish to wake up from, it might sound ridiculous, because every now and then I dream of you, and I have nightmares of you-related.
And I wished I didn't sleep at all.

I saw you again tonight.
I wonder how you spent your birthday, it's your 21st.
I remembered, and I wanted to wish you.
Damn, straight from my heart.
Nat gave me your number though, your new number.
Wow.
I chose to dial your old number thinking, I might have a chance, obviously not.
But I remember the number, better. The old one, to be exact.
8-2-8-3-8-7-3-5 The number you're calling is no longer available,
so I dialed.
9-3-5-5-0-0-3-7 The Hi-card subscriber you're calling is not available.
All I just wanted is to dial the number, which I could do it months earlier.
But of course, it's no longer available.
At least, I tried to do something.

Do you ever thought of looking for me again?
I've never once stopped, asking about you.
Not at all.

I met up with Peah & Nat, Izam, Azizee, Khai & Mira, Adeq & Ann, Man's sister, Shahrizal, Haziq, Tamimi, Megat, Irfan, and people whom I can't remember the names.
But I was asking and talking about you, all the time.

Irfan even asked: "You talked about Amir a lot, but you broke up with him. You left him."
I just wanted you to be free from me, so that you could be happy/happier.
I never regretted, even though sometimes I feel like it, but I only hope for the betterment of our future.

Till then,
xoxo
Jazmyn

Good girls gone wild.

2012-01-24T17:33:00.000+08:00

I wanted to add on something.

I haven't been myself for the past 9 months.
Remember the things you asked me to promise you not to do?
1. Never go cheap on myself.
2. Never smoke, again
3. Never disappoint my parents or let them down
4. Never to look for you again
I didn't do it.

I felt like a cheap woman.
I don't fit anywhere.
Not a girl, not yet a woman.
Yet, I "slut" around, like she said.
Slut, or simply fool around.
Playing with feelings, guys that I have no idea why liked me, and I don't like them.
Cheap thrills, you called it.
The reason why, I'm never gonna make it back to you.
I'm not as pure and innocent as you first knew me.
Neither was I naive anymore.

I stopped believing in fairytales, neither in sweet-nothings.
I'm so stuck in a situation now, that I just want to run away.
I feel so stuck.
Fucken sick.

Till then,
xoxo
Jazmyn

Day 24 of 366

2012-01-24T17:29:00.000+08:00

It has been 294 days since we parted.

9 months and 19 days.

Call me coward, call you one.

I have never once wanted to look for you.

I just merely walked a few rounds under the block, and around the area.

I just merely walked back the places we've walked, on my own.

Trying to relive memories we used to share.

Listening to songs that relive moments we used to do things together.

Hey you.

I miss you.

I missed you.

We miss you.

They miss you, too.

Where'd have you gone?

Are you off to somewhere much more beautiful?

If right now, you were with a better girl, I wouldn't have been like this.

But you stayed put, you weren't.

That's why I felt worst.

Apparently, my wish didn't came true.

Because you really deserve someone better.

And I wanted so much to let you go, to let you be free from all those sufferings I got you into.

But you tried so hard to tie me to you, and it all gone to waste, because I struggle to break free, I run away.

Till then,

xoxo

Jazmyn

Page 22 of 366

2012-01-22T15:38:00.001+08:00

Hey you.
How have you been?
I've been dreaming of you these days.
Never once, stop.

The recent one was about us going out to this really special place, we're having fun we're walking around exploring like we used to, and you were very happy. The saddest part, was that Baby you're always happy in my dreams, and I would always be so reluctant to wake up, because you were smiling really wide. But in reality, you were never that happy, like it seemed to/like it should be.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Cos there'll be no sunlight, if I lose you baby.
There'll be no clear skies, if I lose you baby.
Just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same.
If you walk away, everyday it will rain~

After that fateful Tuesday that I saw you at the Simei MRT station after work, I started waking up from dreams in the middle of the night, thinking what if I went forward approached you and said HI.
But at that moment, my whole body froze, and I didn't know what to do, I just knew I wanted to walk away so far away from you. And I took that easier way out, and walked away.

Anyway, I haven't been contacting Hakim.
Because I don't want to make the same mistake again, so what he resembles you a lot.
He's just a friend.

Till then, xoxo
Jazmyn

Do you remember?

2011-12-27T03:42:00.001+08:00

Baby love,
do you remember?

"The love that we had is stronger than the love we make. The faith that we had will never be stronger than the faith we shared."

"Everyone wishes to run and win the race,
with even at their slowest pace.
With your arms tied to mine like a shoe lace,
not only will we make it through the race,
but also the outer space."

"Aku rindu setengah mati kepadamu,

sungguh ingin kau tahu,

ku tak bisa hidup tanpamu,

aku rindu.."

I finally understood that all along, most of the times you were jealous with me mentioning other guys'
Like AFJK like random guys I met day in day out.
Le sigh.
But I only wanted you.

Tonight

2011-12-27T03:20:00.001+08:00

Don't just be surprised if you see me, still updating over here.
This blog's still alive, just that I don't frequent here.
This site is so filled up with memories, sometimes I avoid.
Overwhelmed, at times.

Maybe just maybe,
I haven't got over you.
That's why I still dream of you at times.
This blog is solely dedicated to my first boyfriend, Amir.
It might sound cliche.
But I haven't seen and talk to him for 8 months now.
I miss talking to him, for real.
No one could actually help me pass the message.
Because no few people actually know how is he, where is he, what is he doing now.
He seemed to have disappeared, from my life and everyone.
Just like he swore to me.
He will disappear slowly, bit by bit.
But I know, if I want to find him, I know how I could find him.
I said to leave this with God.
and I will.

I recently got to know he changed his number.
Oh well.

Lately, I really fucked myself up.
I've been almost a cheap ______ xxx slut.
I guess, I see myself as that.
I don't play with feelings, but fooling around with some other guy while I'm in a relationship?
I can't believe what I did.

Just let me go, xxx

Till then,
xoxo
Jazmyn

Am I Lost?

2011-12-25T11:19:00.000+08:00

Weeks ago, I made a new friend, Hakim.
Baby, he looked like you.
He sounded like you too.
I know this is all too cliche.
He's the same age as you too.
And I knew instantly we could clicked.
And we did.
And he even asked.
"What would it be like if we were to meet from the start, like before I met you and before he met his ex-girlf."
I couldn't answer, instead I asked him to drop the subject.

Cold As Ice

2011-12-25T11:04:00.000+08:00

Happy Christmas Day 2011, baby.
I dreamed of you today, again.
You were there and then, laughing and chatting with me.
Just like we used to.
I missed you, months long.
How have you been?
Throughout these months, honestly.
I've been asking Ruzaidee and Haziq and Bashey and Licia.
I've chatted with Shahrizal and Shamir and even Fairuz, yes he called.
When I stopped contacting them, I felt lost.
Not funny.
I feel lost.
But I still dream of you every now and then.
xoxo,
Jazmyn

Moving on?

2011-09-18T14:50:00.001+08:00

If I really want to move on from the past, from you.
Maybe it's time I should change to new number.
Maybe.

The reason why I didn't want to change my number despite harass calls & unimportant texts & irritating people.
Just so because, I didn't want to make things difficult; for you to look for me again.
But then again. Come to think of it.
If you were to look for me again, you'll know how to look for me.
Just like you said the same to me, I'll know how and where to look for you.
As determined as I am to look for you again, I'll hold myself back.
In case, I might be interfering you with your new found happiness.
As long as you're doing good, life goes on.

xoxo,
Jazmyn

September 2011

2011-09-10T01:43:00.000+08:00

Was reading back all my past entries.
I felt stupid of myself. Really.
People gave me chances, it's not like I wasn't given any,
And I still didn't change for the better.
I felt angry about myself. Really.

Always posting over the same thing,
always quarrel the same thing with Amir.
Even if I'm not tired, doesn't mean it applies to everyone.

But I still feel I made the right choice, by ending the relationship.
No more drama-mama.
No more unnecessary fights and arguments.
Blame me, for all you want.
Hate me, for all you can.
Forget about me.
I could only go this far for you.

Happy 5th monthsary, cheers to singlehood.

This one's for you, Amir.

Goodbye.

:(

2011-08-23T05:20:00.003+08:00

How I wish I could talk to you again.

Sometimes I have flashbacks of us in KL. How we treated each other, we clearly knew where each other stand in each other's hearts.

How I wish you were here, at times.

I never fail to not cry whenever I think of you.

I've been through hard times, now I'm all alone without you.

What am I to do?

Baby, I met someone like you.

Again.

oh, I miss how you call me fat cat.

Though yes, I regret how I ended things, but I never regretted everything we shared.

The love that we had, will never be stronger than the love we shared.

Remember?

Same goes, the faith we have will never be stronger than the faith we share.

I dont know if I'm doing the right thing or not, by moving on.

I dont know what will happen to all those, "we'll meet few years later, we'll be different, we'll be stronger, we'll mature from all these experiences....."

Will we meet again? Will I still love you?

Will you still love me?

It's silly, I'm keeping this for you.

It's silly, how my only target is you.

I guess there's still room for improvement, on self-pacifying myself.

:'=(

2011-08-23T05:16:00.001+08:00

Waktu terasa semakin berlalu
Tinggalkan cerita tentang kita
Akan tiada lagi kini tawamu
Tuk hapuskan semua sepi di hati
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/peter_pan/semua_tentang_kita.html ]
Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa

Teringat di saat kita tertawa bersama
Ceritakan semua tentang kita

Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa

I'm feeling so so so so dead.

I couldn't sleep at night, because I'm avoiding you.

Ridiculous uh huh.

What can I do?

someone like you ♥

2011-07-13T02:05:00.005+08:00

I heard that you’re settled down that you found the girl
And you’re married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn’t gave to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain’t like you to hold back or hide behind the light

Never mind I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best of you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you’ll said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”

-

I just want to say that, throughout the nights I stay awake,

I pray that you’ll find someone better; I pray that you’ll forget me soon.

There was never a time after 5th April that I forget to remember you.
Amir my baby love, I know I left you heartlessly; I broke all the pieces of your heart.
But you need to understand it’s for the betterment of us. And that you and I will be happier this way.
To know that you’re doing well, I’m really happy.

Many times I want to look for you again, but I have to hold myself back.
I cry myself to sleep most of the nights thinking of you;

everything of us, good times and bad times.
But right now, I really am having a hard time trying to think of the good times we shared.
Because I still don’t understand why you have to try to get me back,

when we’re still together, you seemed to not be bothered with my feelings.

You think it’s irritating and lame of me, most of the times.

You shoved me away when I gave hugs and kisses, you were angry with me most of the time.

You said I treated you like a piece of shit, you said I didn’t show you enough affection, and that I didn’t gave you the attention you wanted.

You said I treat you nothing more but like a friend, instead of a boyfriend.

The classic one was, you saying I wasn’t mentally there for you despite me being physically there for you all the time.
You said by making love to me, is a way of you showing me how much you love me.
Yes, I try to make it every single time, and I don’t know why I’m giving you problems time and time after every time we tried to make love.
I feel better now. Psychological stress-free, maybe that’s the reason why I blacked out or feel breathless every now and then.
I couldn’t give the kind of love you want, and the love I could give you isn’t what you wanted.
I gave you my time, shower you with little sweet gifts I made, attention, and almost everything.

Baby, I hope tonight is the last time I’m talking about you, thinking about you, because I really want to move on and start afresh.
God knows how much I love you. I hope.
Only He does.
If we’re meant to be, we’ll meet again.
Cliché, but it is.

-

Finally.
I accumulated the courage, to come back here.
Here, is where I start with.
And to end things with.

I won't deny.
I still look at your FB profile, to check on you, but that's just the surface.
To just look at you, for just one time.
The last time I met Alicia. which was a month ago.
That night, I was there with them.
But they didn't post on FB.
Together with Wardi's new girlf.
Exactly 2 months huh, she's pretty.
It's like how long they are together = how long we've been apart.
Oh well.

I fall into a deep deep huge illness, that I have yet to recover until today.
But today.
Now.
I can really say.
I don't miss you anymore.
I woke up with the feeling, I'm able to say I'll be on my own now, tomorrow, in the future, and the hereafter.
Trust me.
I don't know if you're really doing good.
Hearing from them, that you are.
I'm really happy.
Really.

-

Yes, I might have been a slut/cheapo girl to you.
Because I have to admit, I've been meeting guys ever since.
And to add on, none of them felt the same like I was with you.
I miss how I was when I'm with you.
I shall not go in details.
Other than that.
I know I stay true to myself. Never lower down my pride for anyone.
Not losing myself.

The walls I've build up now, is stronger than before.
And i won't let anyone step in and ruin it just like that.

So long as I'm still single, I'll fight for doing whatever that I love doing.
I've indeed learned alot from you.
Alot.
and I definitely have a lot more to learn, along the way.

-

and baby.
I've met this one person, that makes me feel me when I'm with him.
and he made me felt that all the things I've done before was oh so wrong.
it was never like the same like the previous few I've met.
oh well, it's just the beginning.
we'll see, how far this can go.

-

Insya'allah, everything will be fine.

xoxo,

Jazmyn

choices

2011-05-22T21:51:00.001+08:00

Pending.
To move to tumblr or stay or have both.

This is what I'm always stuck with,
choices.

roll up.

2011-05-22T16:40:00.002+08:00

Been meeting Y & F lately.
Should take things slowly.
Really don't wanna make the same mistake again.
Ending up asking each other, "what are we now?"
Is that a bonus question or the other way round?
It should be, you're sure that it's the one.
I wanna enjoy life now, I wanna enjoy my singlehood.
There ain't no problemo right?

-

Hooked on to bike rides now, :/
teehee teehee

that's the truth

2011-05-17T15:24:00.003+08:00

I'm bored at home,
and I tend to, take that dose of chill pill, as and when - I'm bored.
See, how dangerous it is to leave me alone.
Hahaha

-

Journal critiques, oh critic.
300 words, is that it?
ohsorandom

-

Pedicure on Sunday :)

-

Baby, I don't need a parachute if I got you.
But please don't love me.
Because, I'm naive still.
All these people out there, there's still a long way to go, to travel round the world.
SG is too small, everybody knows each other!!

-

The hardest decision I ever have to make in this life, I called mine.
To forget or not, you.

pre-holiday

2011-05-17T00:25:00.002+08:00

ooh baby lalalalalalala

-

Vesak Day tomorrow, another peace day.
I take my leave from school work tomorrow, hopefully.
And off to Picnic with Farij, heheheheh :D

-

Exactly, 8 more days to my 19th! :D
I want :
1 watch,
1 shoe,
2 bags,
more accessories, and tops, and gift vouchers!
MORE TIME SPENT WITH FRIENDS, AND LOVED ONES.
(serious, no joke)
HAHAHAHA

-

Fat Giraffe.

2011-05-15T22:59:00.004+08:00

I pretend that I'm all over you.
But actually, deep down I'm still very in love with you.

The former was indeed true, but not the latter.
I'm not very in love with you anymore.
How to say?
Can someone explain to me, why I am like that now?

And just when I thought I could move on to the other one.
I realised I can't, maybe I'm just trying too hard.
Or I over think, that I'm taking things too fast.
No, I don't want to force him to settle down with me.
No.

acme of love;

2011-05-15T01:51:00.004+08:00

Dearest xxxx,
I saw you first on Thursday.
I don't know why, but I became all so anxious.
Like as though, I shouldn't be seen by you.
I try to duck my way through, so you won't see me.
Then again, with the mutual friends all around;
like Yasser, Bashey, Faris, they were loud enough to be heard.
It's so different now.
I don't know what to say.
But my mood went upside down, I know Clara & Nisa could feel it.
Life, goes on.

-

Here we come, come with me.
There's a world out there that we should see.
Take my hand, close your eyes.
Let's flyyyyyyyy.

-

Came to school early on Friday.
Julee came and talk to me.
"you look happier now, which is weird. :"
yeah, i am happier now.
thanks, for the concern
:)

i don't know why i am like that, but.
at times, i try to pretend im fine.
and at times, im really fine.

-

these days i've been dreaming.
much more than before.
to be honest,
it's always these people.
farij, amir, irfan, and azizi.
like wth?!
we go holiday together.
you think how the outcome would be like.
you tell me.
:S

-

been spending days and nights with Farij.
my new date.
how contradicting right?
laugh at me please.
but no im not playing with feelings, nor am i flirting around.
don't speak too soon.
whatever i'm doing, is too early for anything to start with.
go with the flow.

-

goodnight.

Unholy confession #100

2011-05-11T00:13:00.004+08:00

I feel guilty all the way.
That I'm in love right now.
I'm in love with this guy who marks all my criteria, in the list.
No, he's not perfect, I see through that.
You know it is, not a crush nor infatuation.
Because I've gone through all that, and there sure is differences.
I felt guilt-stricken because, I remembered saying this to Amir.
"I will love you forever, if forever does exist." I truly mean it when I said that.
and he remembers it, this is that part that made me feel this way.
I'm still stagnant, because of this.
-

Today, I did something so wrong.
I wouldn't elaborate what I did.
But, my intention was to help.
Then again, I know there's something wrong already after everything.
Why am I so easily conned?
*punch my face please*
-

I'm running a high fever now.
Therefore, random thoughts came flowing in and out of my mind like water.
I feel like puking and what's not.
Gosh.
*gulps water down*
-

I had a make up lesson for 1 hour with Anna Kiu.
The one who said, "you've got guts."
Yeah, I sure do.
When it gets intimidating, I will be.
I proved her wrong today.
At the very last moment, before I left.
She said good things about me.
*Alhamdulilah*.
-

Though what was said, was to keep choices open.
But you know I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not saying this is Fate.
But I believe certain things happens at the certain right time.
It's a sign, even though it might not be a full moon.

I'm sorry, I'm moving on.

Heart > Mind.

2011-05-07T02:10:00.002+08:00

Right now.
My age.
Wants > Needs.
I guess.

Paradise.

2011-05-03T02:34:00.003+08:00

There's always a reason for everything that happened/is happening.

To the world, to Mother Earth, to the people, to you, to me.
As promised, 5 years down the road.

"Allahuakbar allah maha besar"

Among all the faces I'ver met, you're the most beautiful one.

2011-04-28T00:22:00.004+08:00

"I hope you know, you're my last mistake."

Life's good, uh huh?

Well, so far so good.

(Week 1)

School turned out fine, for myself.
I wasn't able to focus - sleeping away at times.
Finds it hard to adapt to the hours in school - Jet Lag

Along the week:
I met Irfan, Azwan and Amir.
yes, it was Amir.
things are still almost the same, but I just have to say its different a bit.
I don't wish for affection at this time, I just want to be on my own.
Taking one step at a time.
It hit me so much, that I don't want to take a step nearer to anybardy.

I seemed to be very preoccupied with a lot of things, though I have nothing at hand.
Stress is coming up, but I'm hesitating to push it down or maintain it this way at this moment.
Keep forgetting, and forgetting what I'm supposed to do, and what I wanted to say.

Went to club with Aisha and girlfriends.
Virgin single night out, I called it.
Grinding, fights, and the whole thing of clubbing.
HAHAHAHAHA but I enjoyed much just with the girls, and especially with Aisha.
Had two tequila shots and a vodka, but wasn't drunk.
Instead it kept me awake, till dawn.
I hate this, not getting high or something.
-.-

Finance Officer - cum - Assistant Group Leader.
This is my rank status now in class, :)
Because I'm fit to be one.

Other than these, I don't wish to elaborate on the little details I've been thinking.
Because if it were temporary, I do not wish to mention.
And if it stays permanent, then I'll fill up the blanks over here.

I know it's not wrong to say, but I shouldn't.
At times, I do miss rimarimarimarimarima alot.
For all the good and bad times we've been through, I hope this is a test for me.
I hope this is a lesson learnt, that I'll grow up and mature from this.

With love,
Jazmyn.

hey baby

2011-04-09T13:14:00.002+08:00

Ever since Day 1 , I seemed to know this day will come.
Separation.
Love you baby.
You'll always be my baby.

Can't thank you enough,
for letting me fly,
for letting me go.
It's another selfish act of mine.

-

Right now, i just want a long break from affection and stuff.
I just want a long break, to set myself free.
I need to be free.
So long,
goodbye people.

homagard.

2011-04-02T11:01:00.004+08:00

I like the weather today, just right as it matches my mood. Not too happy, not too upset. Makes me reminisce about the good things that happened accompanied with good people in this good weather, donkey months ago. Anyhoo. It's already the 2nd of April. Yes, I didn't managed to attend Sandy's performance, honestly I don't feel like going either. It's gonna be not sincere, and I don't wanna waste the bucks to do something like that. I have got no other intention, but I feel. Indifferent. Just because I don't meet or talk to you, doesn't me I don't care about you. Infact, everything that happened yesterday, got me thinking about you all the time. And I do think about you all the time. And times like this, I do think about the past when we were so happy,each time I look up the sky. Every time when things are good between us, I just had to spoil it. I just had to feel insecure about the way things are like. and I just had to ask stupid question, as I just had to see things that breaks the strong firm assurance I have. So. This time round. I just leave it to Him. - I traced that my stress actually came from work. Because I know you don't like to hear things about how I say about someone. So I kept quiet. Upset with my partner, who is a lil similar but different from me. Fucking tired. - Perut kenyang, hati pun senang. :)

back off

2011-03-24T08:26:00.002+08:00

I should have told you that I could take the bus back myself.
So this thing won't get that worse.

Tonight,
Though my feet are about to fail me soon, I'm safe now. Alhamdulilah.

xoxo

Its getting serious, I can't be this positive about it.
Tonight, I'm so not me anymore.
and by the time I realise everything, yes it's gonna be too late.
I don't know if you ever knew, I'm good at this.
Good bye.

The last thing I want to have in my mind, is that I'm after-first to everything in yours.
It could be second, third, last.
Even the littlest thing, I would mind.
Why am I always in the middle of this fucking two.
Ask yourself.

Bitch, you let your cat out of your own bag.
My conscience is still clear.

Looking forward to work later on, but first.
To school first.
10-11am remedial lesson, heh.

But before that,
off to take my pills.
K, bye.

Geminian#

2011-03-21T15:18:00.005+08:00

You could get closer to your partner or a potential partner if you open up and share a deep dark secret that is troubling you. You may find that they say "Is that all?" You have been brooding a lot lately, making this small thing a lot worse in your mind than it really is.

Well, I shall not dwell on what has already happen and what is happening.

After all, it all comes down to Trust at the end of the day.

"As long as you know where your limits are.."

That's it, fullstop.

All-time favourite.

Just nineteen, sucker's dream.

Special needs.

Many things on the list, that I wish to do

So from now onwards.

I got better things to do,

and not.

1. reading other people's blog for the sake of it

2. dwelling and thinking if the Friendship is worth holding on

3. getting upset when bf goes distracted a bit

4. reminiscing on the past

5. being rebellious against parents

fuck you.

im still gonna leave this place, when im stable.

Extremely Intense

2011-03-19T14:00:00.002+08:00

"I don't know if you ever been told, I got whatever you need girl"

-

Attachments are finally over!!!!!
It's finally ample time for me to rest hard, work hard, and get my days off these shit.
I wonder when the results will be out, then I know when's the remedial class & the supp paper gonna be at?

-

I found a place at a clinic.
!!!!
$7.5/hr.
:()

-

No, I'm not lucky. I'm blessed.
I found someone I need not try to impress to.
Someone who said to be there, and means it.

Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out,
who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

-

45 things to be happy about

Bold the happy things that you’ve experienced before:)

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake … (or vanilla … or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful/good looking.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them…!).
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

And its obviously, I should take my driving lesson soon.
Hohohohohoh : )

I got my own step;

2011-03-14T22:25:00.002+08:00

After a whole lot of thinking today.
I realised that I should forgive myself first, forgive all of the everything I did in my past,
before I can forgive others.
The reason why I don't forgive and forget, is because I didn't start with myself first.
Just like you should learn to love yourself first, before learning to love others.

True enough.
I was stunned when Amir said, the number of times I actually mentioned about AFJK.
As I flipped through my diary and over here.
I noticed it was more than a couple of times.
It is a fact.
Sigh :/
Why is this so?
I really don't know why.
"If you can't differentiate your past and present. Then they will all be in future, because they are invisibly all around you."
Got me startled and reflecting on what I was doing.

-

Too many words, but don't know where to start from.
Like me, random and never was one in piece.
This is who I am.
Accept that, please.

-

I guess its time, its time.
To find my self back, to look for my self, to get my self back.
What self actually is?
What me supposed to act / look / sound like?

Always wanting to stand for myself.
Is this who I want to be, or I should just keep my mouth shut.

-

-

Met Azri Zee at the Polyclinic today.
His ribcage was broken, due to soccer.
Rabak or what. Eiyeeeeer.
:S

Sometimes I admire how people tolerate their uncomfortable-ness, their uneasiness, their pain, their tiredness.
"Sabar, sabar." is always what Bf said.
I had it injected in my mind, but never got into my blood.

-

Tonight I had him forget me for a little while :|

-

Love, is at times a simple word and a profound one.
You see happiness, all smiles on people's face.
You see how it revolves around people's life.
You see how it got complicates people.
You see how people tried so hard to maintain the relationship.
You see ...... and the list goes on, whatever you can think of.
All because of love.

-

cause it gets harder each day,

Over it.

2011-03-09T03:38:00.004+08:00

A guy won't kiss a girl on her forehead unless he's serious about her. Really?
Look what you've have done to me 2.5 years ago. I don't actually quite remember bf has done that to me before? Once or twice? Maybe 2.5-3 years ago, my face was clean, than now. full of pimples.

Of course, at this point of time.
AFJK suddenly pops out from my head.
I then slowly evaluate each and everyone.
And then I realise, I'm over it.
All of them.

Speaking from my heart, the truth.
Yes, I kinda like the attention I was given.
Every single day, it was happiness I thought.
Temporary ones.
Having A. to always come by to Pasir Ris to look for me, though he stays at Marine Parade area, long long conversation talk on the phone that seems never ending, he talks and I listen.
Having F. to fold origami birds, bake cakes, love letters every Monday, and late night texts, pillion rides.
Having J. to accompany through the day, morning/night texts, random meet ups, lepak session under the block.
Having K. to teach me about army stuff, meeting his mom, telling me how to love, wonders me with surprises at work.
Back then, when I was a single.
My days were preoccupied already.
I took advantage of the situation, I guess.
I kinda quite miss it a lot, more than you ever know.
I took it for granted, seriously.

I remember I told Amir once that, I missed that phase of being wooed.
At least he wooed a girl before, for so many times.
The process of being in it, silly but fun.

I just realise they go according to dates too. =.="
I know someone asked me before.
What's AFJK and I replied.
"Errrrr?"
Its actually 4 different people I met from all over the world, *my world* actually, before my first relationship.
azwan.fadhli.jamal.khairul.
Awwwwwww.

Yes, I am too pampered with loads and loads of love.
Yet again, I took it for granted.
Just let me rant here, this is the only place.

I started going for morning strolls in the park, I mean 5am morning.
Back then.
I thought it was healthy, never felt afraid or anything.
Sunrises, sunsets.
Always accompanied with.

I knew nothing about relationships, not to say sex.
Ha ha.
How daring I was, to just meet up with one guy 1-1.
Weird people, random venues.
I had a Mat friend, who teaches me proper English. A2 okay.
Nothing, but just friends.

Look at me now.
I am totally not interested in any other guy out there, Tom Dick or Harry?
Fuck off.
And fuck you.

What I'm concern most, is my deteriorating health.*

kalau sayang,

2011-03-09T01:55:00.003+08:00

I'm glad I try to be firm to what I've got to say.
I'm glad I did not try to imagine what are the possible scenarios.
I'm glad I didn't, didn't, didn't.

-

When mention of names of certain people, I realised that..
I do not actually fancy them now.
And definitely, I do not want to come close to them any step nearer.
They used to be a reason of my distress, so I don't really want them in my life right now.
Well, I used to think it would be better if I were on good terms with them.
Like I said, "there was a time, I used to trust everyone.."
But today, I don't give a hoot at all.
that smug/smirk face, maybe one day i might just give one tight slap.
that's all i wanna do.
nothing else.

-

so they called it a, scrambler?

-

Next week's Polyclinic attachment,
better remind myself to ask the Doctor for referral letter for the brain scan thingy.

-

Have a break, have a kit-kat!
No, its a Time-Out!
A month or two.

-

morning blues.

2011-03-08T10:57:00.004+08:00

"As a kid, I used to hate and in fact despise my dad. For I don't know what reason, I can't remember it now. But when I got to know the truth about everything, I realised I hated the person I should love most."
Yes, I really mean it.

-

I stained again, today.
Just like a kid, and he quickly helped me change the sheets without telling me off.
Sigh :C

-

Tell me, can you hear me now?
Do you still hear what my heart says?

Thanks for respecting my decision.

I should have learn how to effectively handle a matter/issue.
So that I would not have start it off so 'suddenly',
and end it off even more 'suddenly'.

You want me?
No! Please get away!
I'm just an annoying selfish & self-centered bitch.
Leave my thoughts now.
Please leave now!!!

-

no matter how far apart we are, we are always under the same sun, moon and stars..

Heavy dose of guilt.

2011-03-08T00:48:00.003+08:00

Wednesday night classes, I hope I don't bump into you the next time I go there.
I don't want tongues wagging. Especially yours.

Sunday classes, should I try to enroll in?

-

Current Weight Check : 53.5kg
Uh-huh, keep going...keep going.....DOWN! please!

-

So the doctor says,
(well I actually consulted one, months back; and they said the same thing).
You should look for a brain specialist, you need to do a scan for your brain.
And better make it quick!
Saying is easy, where's the moneyyyyyh?

-

Things happen for a reason right?
I get it.
Its like,
some woman who wants to get pregnant but tried many times and still failed,
and there are some who doesn't wants to be, got pregnant by just one or two shots?
I belong to the latter one.
Okay, its just an example I can think of.
I was just thinking how lucky I am.

-

Nights like this, are just as depressing as though like you being locked in a dark dark room.
and the fact that, I still don't know what to do now.
I had a lil achievement, as I didn't turn to anyone for help this time.
Cause I don't even know what help I need right now?
What a pathetic shit I got myself into.
But its okay, I really want to make you see that.
In the long run, you'll be better, you'll be fine, you will.
I have no rights to say this, but I swear.

-

But today.
I just hurt the one closest to my heart.

-

if I have two hearts; i will use the one to love you, and the other one to love you more'

Moment for life.

2011-03-05T13:38:00.002+08:00

We said too many times of letting go, that it doesn't come true anymore.
Maybe time is an antidote, and that is the poison I'm taking now.
Without the Earth, the sun will still continue to orbit.



Seems contradicted much,  but I still do have this thought all the time
in my mind.
When people talk about love, all I think was you.



I sincerely don't know what to do, now.





There are certain people in life, who aren't meant to fit in your life.
No matter how much you want them to.



I do not know how much I'm losing.
But I know the only person/thing that is holding myself back,
is Me.
I do not know what the future holds for me.
People say,
if I'm not prepared to let go,
the person to hurt most is myself.
But I'm sure,
if I don't let go early enough,
both of us will be hurt even more.

I can't do what the others can do for the sake of love.
"There's no other one else, besides him/her."
The truth is, I'm not there yet.
and I see no one else, except for myself.

Screw me over.

With you, life was good.
With you, nothing else matters.
I'm happy.
I'm pampered.
You were there, when I was down and up.
You were there, when I needed help,
any form of help 24/7
You gave me love, hope and faith.
The one you knew would never change,
the one you knew would be there unconditionally.
You were the greatest boyfriend I will ever have in this life of mine.

I guess, happily in love was never mine to hold.

I'm still that annoying self-centered bitch, you once knew.
If you said I never would change, I probably would never be.
So I'm giving myself, a year or two to change.
Without you, without love.

------


I still remember the first time I held your hands,
so warm and big.
I still remember the first time I look into your eyes,
watery and small.
I still remember the first time I kissed you,
soft and shy.
I still remember the first time I hugged you,
lovely.
There then, I know we were infinite.

As days goes by, I realized the fact that you deserve better.
You do.
I'm sucha loser, trying to hold you back.
Each and every time.
Every time I look into your eyes,
I see forgiveness,
I see love and hope,
I see that you're the one.
This time round, I'll be firm not to look into it anymore.


xoxo,
Jazmyn

kalau cinta

2011-02-27T00:18:00.004+08:00

I realize who I was, after you left.
I see who I am really are now.
Selfish, not selfless.
Self-centered, not people-oriented.
Stubborn, not giving in at all.
Hostile, more defensive.
and most of all, I became very aggressive towards things.
Too much of anger in it.
I became .....
the word is not : possessive/controlling/jealousy/restricting
I became, very sensitive.
Basically, it sums everything up.
I'm sensitive even more than ever now.
Do you see where I'm going?

-

Met Clarelyn, and she said.
"You are troubled inside out, and you don't know how to say it.
So you just try to pretend there's nothing inside, you try to pretend to other people.
But you can't."
I just started talking out like 15minutes, and she said this.
Yes. Right through me.

The problem is,
I sat at home watching TV with Mom and Dad today,
and tears start to fall down, I don't know why.
I don't feel sad at all, at the moment, in my mind.
I was watching my as usual Saturday Taiwanese Drama.
And things happen,

-

The only thing standing in between you and me, is reality.

Let it burn

2011-02-21T23:39:00.003+08:00

Inspiring, indeed.

__________________________________________________

A week ago, Wednesday.
I met Feressa, that girl.
After so long of like... ... 8 years?
I finally met her.
Many things may have changed, between us.
But the feeling, never did.
Just like the first time I met her, sweet and innocent.
Many things that came out from her was unbelievable,
but that's okay, you choose your own life, I have no right to judge.
Mine's not even that perfect either.
So yeah.

__________________________________________________

I used to read some of your blog,
almost everyday.
Its not like I'm stalking, but more that I want to know more about your life.
Sometimes, words can bring you to discover another part of your own world. You'll never know.

That habit of reading other people's blog, died.
Oh well, random.

Somehow it did.

___________________________________________________

I used to think that you were good.
Your knowledgeable vocabulary amazed me, but after a second thought.
It could be true, that it doesn't completely comes from you.
Sigh, I thought you were another model example whom I can learn from.
*ting ting! - press the bell* NEXT.

___________________________________________________

Do it like, professional.
Not like Jack of all trades.
You think you got it all?

___________________________________________________

These days, I've been learning to keep my mouth shut.
Towards friends, towards cousins, towards certain people.
I promise, I'd never speak of my relationship ever again.
And nothing about my past, only if you're interested to know.

Firstly,
you have no rights to judge or tell me that I shouldn't be like this.
I'm me, through and through.

I fucked people in the ass.
I have a mouthful of contradictions, but I'm still living life as it is.
I have bad habits, that I can't quit for now.
I have an obviously strange temper, and I don't perceive thoughts like how any other girls do.
You can't call me a bad girl either, because I have exceptionally done a lot more good deeds of my own will with a good cause and a heart, than you.

Secondly,
I hate people telling me.
How I should do things.
Tell me once, and let me do it my way, please.

Thirdly,
stop right there.
If you are having second or negative thoughts about me.
ah-uh.

__________________________________________________

If there would be a next time,
I would certainly want to run away and never come back.

.............

2011-02-20T14:13:00.002+08:00

Love is sweet when its new,
But its sweeter when you know its true.
:)

What has gotten into me yesterday?
:C sigh.
It wasn't as though I'm the one getting married.
Oh shuddup.
K bye.

Where we were.

2011-02-08T12:30:00.001+08:00

I hope you guys are happy with the outcome.

That you and I were We.

From this moment, I will cease to exist in your life.

xoxo

Insomnia,

2011-02-08T05:11:00.002+08:00

Its 5 am now.

I'm stilll wide awake.

I forgot to sleep already.

Damn it!

you think so?

I learn it.

Well well well, I never had a Valentine.

Teehee :D

Everyday can be any special day, its just the way you see it

Gone.

2011-02-06T04:41:00.003+08:00

Was just reading an old friend's blog,

and it turns out that we have a similar type of relationship.

Well, I still love the way she talks.

Hahahah.

Her: But it isn't fair you're my first boyfriend and I'm like your what, seventh?

Him: And the only one who made a difference in my life.

Her: Ok then?

Him: Eh I'm trying to be romantic here. Sedih ah!

Her: I mean, ok la. Then?

Him: Eh, sedih ah!

-/-

Anyway, we're turning twenty soon!

But. but. but.

Please tell me that its illogical that there's no way we could break.

No, I think I'll stop putting pressure on you from now onwards.

Love you alot,

and

I really really really miss you very much.

Maybe till you get the present that I've been waiting to exchange with you,

you'll feel the love I have for you?

"Kelly got me gone, gone, gone. Girl you know you got me gone.

Nelly got me gone, gone, gone. Boy you know you got me gone."

For this period of time, that I'm gonna miss you so damn much as we may not be going to meet each other till the day we know we can meet. I don't wanna see myself being so damn lost, like a lost cow. (Cow is fatter than sheep, i think?)

I will work hard to be that one girl you'll only want and need in your life.

I don't want to be a second option, nor the second best or a back-up plan.

Gotta admit,

lately there was a long period where I closed down the heart for a week or month.

I don't know how to handle issues of the heart.

But I just know that you're the most beautiful distraction I ever had.

I remembered he ever asked me.

I must and will be more happier if I was with the other one instead of him. Will I?

Then I slowly imagined and pictured myself, noooo.

We can never predict or enact what would happen in the future,

how would I know if I would be happier with them?

I guess, they are merely but just virtual friends. If you can call it.

I don't know why I'm saying this again, but.

What I'm trying to say is, that.

No matter what choices we made in the past, it reflects only half of our future and the other half relies on ourselves.

I get it.

Sometimes I say such philosophic words, I do mean it.

But I don't know why the other times, I don't get it and it doesn't seem to get into my head.

Its one of those days, I really knocked myself hard.

For a serious thorough reflection.

I said so many times of changing, and becoming better.

The more I wish, the more I don't see myself doing it.

I'm not wishing anymore. I'm just gonna see if I'm doing it on my own, without having to remind again and again.

In this pace, I'll never get to where I wanna be at by the end of 2011.

I'm gonna start walking towards it from today.

Everything starts anew from Today.

InsyaAllah.

-/-

Is it ego, or just pure attitude?

I wonder.

-/-

I have no right to say you're wrong.

But. You wanna convert because of your friends?

And then you can marry him too?

Think twice babe.

You don't even have the strong will to stand still for yourself.

I know you won't read this.

I hope you don't ask me to accompany you, because I don't want to entertain for such reasons.

Really.

-/-

Remember how we loved this song?

I loved it,

its the start of our relationship.

We got the iPod, then this particularly special song.

Train rides to school early morning, standing right beside but not holding on to you even though I felt like falling, adventures after-school, surprising unexpected random smiles throughout the day.

That was Us.

You think its illogical?

2011-02-06T03:17:00.003+08:00

Its one of the statistics I found from the world, :)

Done with the pictures.

Its not hard finding what I want, but I ain't gonna let out where I found them.

Hahah, you faggots have tumblr right?

Go search yourself :O

T'day is the 6th already.

Events coming up???! Yeaaash.

7th - Submission of Statistics

8th - 20th!

9th - movie date w Nisah,Clara,Azizi,Roxanne,Syaf!

10th - SBL

13th - volunteering @ Kovan + Alfred's house

14th - be my valentine?

and by 17th, its the first paper already.

I see, myself drowning in a pool of stress again.

To be honest,

I really hate who I am and what I'm doing with myself right now.

I should say, every time I feel stressful, I do things that makes me feel awful for that moment,

but okay after that.

Sigh :C

fade away~

2011-02-04T13:01:00.003+08:00

Hi February!

I'm quuuiiiite delighted to meet you, really!

Hope everything gonna just get better and better!

FOCUS:

Getting in shape
Becoming fitter

Lastly,

'Happy CNY, happy holidays!

P/S: I hate how my mom fights with dad.

It makes me feel like how I'm gonna be like 10years down the road.

And it makes me feel like I never want to get married into the future.

Hate how things are, for fuck sake its CNY.

Mom always want to win, just like me. But even though she's wrong, she also want to win, I'm not like her.

And Dad, is hot tempered and he always say things out of anger, but when he thinks back he realises its his mistake, and he make excuses.

I get it.

I should start to open all my everything to feel what's going on around me.

As much as I wanted things to be the same, feelings fade and people change.

1. I don't want to try to compromise with you already. I told the rest, that I admire how their patience goes about with you, but it'll ends with me. Because you're no longer a kid, and to me you're not the same girl I used to know, neither was I. So I don't want to tolerate/endure these shits any longer anymore.

2. I realised that I made a mistake. By grouping the four of us together. Because what I thought out of a good will is that, by grouping the four of us together, even though how busy our lives would be in the future, we would still make an effort to meet up as a four. You seemed to forget about me at times, as I remember and take note of the little details of our daily life. Just like sending a simple message, or saying HI!, isn't something that you ever did to me. So much for all my efforts for meet-ups and interesting stories.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I wanted to take one step at a time, to enjoy those solitary moments with myself again.

Just like crashing cars.

2011-01-28T05:01:00.002+08:00

Just as I thought, I am going to start all over again.

Just as I thought.

So much for a thought.

Is it just me?

Was I being sensitive?

Maybe I'm just tired.

Its 5am now.

And I'm still wide awake.

Thanks.

Thanks for telling me, I'm not helping myself at all.

When you forget me
When you don’t remember my name
Not even a memory
Somewhere in the back of your brain
I won’t be offended
‘Cause I always knew that the day
Would come when I’m not enough to make you stay
You tell me it’s not possible, no way that we could break
But nothing is illogical, believe me

Like falling stars over your head
We were bound to burn out, burn like crashing cars
I’ll never get over you, never over you
‘Cause you are so beautiful, yeah

The world is turning
And time keeps on lingering on
The sun will be burning
Eventually you will be gone

I’ll always love you
Oh, believe it or not
Baby, that’s not enough to
Not enough to stop these…

Falling stars over your head
We were bound to burn out, burn like crashing cars
I’ll never get over you, never over you
‘Cause you are so beautiful, yeah

When it’s all said and done
I’ll be just a speck in the galaxy
Floating far far away by gravity
You tell me it’s not possible
No way that we could break

Like falling stars
Like crashing cars
Like falling stars over your head
We were bound to burn out just like crashing cars
I’ll never get over you, never over you
‘Cause you are so beautiful
You are so beautiful, yeah

I'm going out now.

xoxo,

Jazmyn

I can't love you forever.

2011-01-28T01:10:00.006+08:00

Hearts are broken by words left unspoken.

xoxo,

jaz

Be my valentine

2011-01-24T03:34:00.002+08:00

Soon CNY is rounda corner.

And then Valentine's.

I would like to dedicate this to my Babylove.

Yes, it is.

-----

Is it me?

Is it "maybe" because I'm too stress out with school?

Tell me, its me.

Oh please.

I've been the one, wanting time off.

I've been the one, selfishly demands for everything and anything.

I've been the one, thinking otherwise.

I've been the one, making the situation worse.

I've been the one, making your life like hell.

I'll be back, the optimist.

2011-01-22T00:50:00.003+08:00

Jika sesuatu itu ditakdirkan untuk kita,tiada siapa yang boleh menghalang,namun jika sesuatu itu bukan ditakdirkan untuk kita,pasti tidak akan kita dapat walaupun sudah dalam genggaman

its all just memories fading into a never-ending blur,

The things that haunts you every now and then.

Is that one thing you need to overcome with, because it will never dissolve until you do something to it.

It could be, fear/frustration/sadness/memories.

All of the negative things that you can think of.

For me, its memories.

They are a chunk of colourful moments that has already passed, but what's left are words that people said, the impression they left, the heart they gave, the sincerity of friendship you want to see, the time they spent, everything except for the person itself.

you know what.

I don't hate you.

I'm just disappointed that you turned into everything you said you'd never be.

Do you know.

Delay is the deadliest weapon in Denial.

Dear friend, the problem that wasn't dissolve back then, has now accumulated to a big mountain.

By dragging, doesn't really help much.

You stopped trying?

Maybe because you're selective.

I guess.

xoxo

Jazmyn

The Chosen One.

2011-01-20T03:23:00.004+08:00

I fell in love with this song,

and fell deeply touched to the lyrics.

Though I am not a Muslim, not yet or maybe just not.

I could feel the kind of feeling, you know He's there for you.

Or maybe its just the way he sings, its kinda soothing to me.

You know.

When someone truly open the door of their heart, to God or to another someone.

The kind of feeling of you having him/her in your life.

Is such one-of-a-kind, whereby you treasure it more than Anything else.

Well, I have to say.

I don't know myself, if I did open my heart to someone, just yet.

Up till this day.

But it's okay, it's not the time yet maybe.

No one's rushing.

Its 3.38am.

I'm not having insomnia.

I slept at 11.30pm, just so to be awake at this time.

To concentrate working on my projects.

Lesser distraction.

and i'm pretty stuck in this whole idea.

Ahais.

Had a talk with the babe, the other night.

That, then I know many things I was oblivious to initially.

Never did I know, this is how you think of me, (behind my back)

Tried to be good, but to no avail.

Never will.

I'm so sorry, to you to myself.

That this had to come out from me.

I always regarded you as one of my good friend(s).

And then now I realised, that all this while.

It was just my wishful thinking.

We never did.

Just like the first time we met.

At the end of the day, I'm still the realistic one.

I still think this way;

if my sincerity is not reciprocated, then I'm backing off/out.

if I still don't see it from you, then I don't think the friendship is worth the while.

That's what I live by.

I value friendship more than anything, and I cherish each and every one I meet with.

Maybe you don't feel that way?

This is it.

Met Liting last week.

I missed her so very much, really.

and I still can't believe, we met last week!

For a moment, I thought we almost lost contact already.

But I still want to cherish this friend a lot, she was there through it all.

xoxo,

jazmyn

Lately,

2011-01-16T13:28:00.002+08:00

R. I. P to the girl you used to see, her days are over.

Baby she's overrrrrrrr~

I missed those times, badly.

let the right ones in

let old dreams die

let the wrong ones go.

c'est la vie

I hope that one fine day,

I can go to the Botanical Garden again,

just to feed the swans,

and just to relax at the raintree area,

where there are big field of grasses,

where you see pilipino maids and the ang moh kids having picnic,

where you see kids climbing the tree,

where you see families playing kites,

where you see the great big sky,

where you enjoy being in it, the nature

where you see me in the middle out of nowhere,

outcasting everyone.

I will climb that tree again,

I will play my kite,

I will lie down on the grass and enjoy the great big sky,

I will enjoy every moment I'm in it,

I will have picnic again,

feed the swans.

And I will be there, one fine day.

you weren't perfect but you made life worth it

"The first person who's on your mind on the moment you open your eyes after a long sleep is the reason either of your happiness or pain." -- Reader's Digest

--------

Overly stressed,

and I spared some time off to blog!

You know what.

The best thing is, I know I'm not alone.

But does every one know how to succeed in this?

How to manage every damn thing with just both hands and one mind?

Other than school,

I chose to ignore the rest.

But the thoughts of them, kept running through me.

Because for fuck, I have to face them every single time.

I swear I didn't want to care, I didn't want them to affect me.

But then again, I swear not to cross paths with them anymore.

if she can fucking stop showing her attitude towards me and the rest;

if she can fucking stop talking bad about me and the rest;

if she can fucking just stop thinking that she's superior;

if she can fucking just stop acting so fake infront of me, and the rest;

if she can fucking just stop throwing tantrums in school in front of me and the rest;

if she can fucking just stop think she knows everything but she doesn't;

if she can fucking just stop thinking negatively;

if she can fucking just stop being stucked in the past;

if she can fucking give me what i want, after telling So fucking many times;

I CAN COMPROMISE.

but why the fuck,

she she she she she

= they can't.

You can't expect people to do the things the way you want them to be.

people being people. human nature.

many kinds.

and the only way i thought of is to, do it my own way.

"yes, I am who I am"

AND FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING COMMENT(S).

I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOTHING, OF WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF.

SO SHUT YOUR FUCKING THOUGHTS BACK UP.

-----

Lately, this was what happen.

xoxo

The Secret Project

2011-01-02T18:54:00.002+08:00

The most amazing moments in life are:
- going home late, and heading straight to bed
- buying amazing clothes that you found on sale
- holding hands
- unexpected moments that became your favorite memories
- talking on the phone until five in the morning
- resting/lying on someone's chest
- taking long/warm showers that washes away worries
- feeling as though you finally belong somewhere
- deciding what you want to do in life
- feeling satisfied after a delicious meal
- falling asleep instantly when you're upset
- meeting people that happen to change your life
- when you have a great night of sleep
- drinking a cup of good tea
- realizing everything is going to be okay
.

Yes yes yes
Everyone's talking about the end of 2010
Well are you prepared to welcome 2011?
Be it alone on your own, or together with someone else
Are you?
Ha ha ha
Ask yourself then

Anyway, Amir asked me
"What was one event in 2010 that you felt unforgettable/memorable/impacted on you?"
His was, Singfest 201o
Well, I couldn't actually come up with an event that has that deemed to fit that purpose
But I thought in mind.
That it was not one event, but many.
Mainly because on many different occasions, I met different people that
of course, indeed, changed my life, changed me,
for the record.

Its true, I love the things that make you smile
Because, anything can make me smile, in fact
Anyhoo
There are too many changes in the year,
that sometimes you yourself forgets what you did/say/act
that its funny how easy your friend can summarize it up for you
That's cool, to me
Met up with the girls, bestie, cousins, NR0910 in just one week
Maximizing time to the fullest!
Hehehe
Many ups and downs.
I aim to be a better & successful planner by mid-2011
Teeeheee.
Gotta go,
to be continued!

we'll do it like a dude;

2010-12-28T13:26:00.000+08:00

Oh l o v e.
This is what I thought I will never sing of, again.
You know.
For a moment, I really gave up everything.
I gave up that relationship with the boy,
I gave up myself
I mean, for real.
I thought I would leave, for good.
I was too sad, too negative for the past few months.
I couldn't stand it.
But I guess.
R E L A T I O N S H I P =
fights + hurts + tears + laughter + sweet smiles +
memories + trust + faith + stupid unnecessary arguments +
patience + doubts + secrets shared + jealousy +
communication breakdown + happy moments
++++ LOVE ++++

What I'm trying to say, after breaking through so many contradicting moments.
Is that, I learned a lot from this relationship.
Seriously, I used to think it was such a huge mess I created, its a huge mistake I made.
It has all been way too (fast-forwarded) back then.
But then, now.
I guess it has all turn into a beautiful experience.
You see.
Its not all about making love, and having sex.
Its better than that.

I'd always remember that,
The love that we had is stronger than the love we make.

And, at the very least.
I'm grateful for the presence of his presence.
Its okay if isn't as perfect as I imagined, if there were many fights/break-ups along the way.
This only show how strong we have became while overcoming all these obstacles.

If this is what we got, then what we've got is GOLD.
I always liked this, :P

I don't wanna wait;

2010-12-26T00:27:00.002+08:00

You know, the let-the-pictures-do-the-talking thingy.
Yeah.
Glad that you know.

Yet again, its only just a week.
Tell me about it.
How many things have changed.

1. my voice
2. me and you
3. family
4. friendship
5. financial issue
6. special dates/occasion
7. festive season
8. projects
9. mindset
10. every single thing in me
-- and the list goes on.

& right now. right here.
I don't understand/get it why I'm feeling this way.

I can't stand who I was back then.
Leave alone, people who are like myself (back then) NOW.

I can't stand the way they talk, that is not straight to the point.
I can't stand them telling me stories A-Z, just like how I used to.
I can't stand the pace they are walking, well I don't know why I seems to appear like I'm rushing for something.
& I definitely can't stand the way they do things.

My heart was never in peace, never at ease.
I worry over the littlest thing, that I can imagine it happening, that has ever happened once that might happen again, that fall on others but have yet to fall on me, that I ever made it hurtful to others but I felt nothing, and lastly the things that have yet to happen.

My heart is always confused, always running away, always busy.
Though I don't have many (one) to love.
Cause I have my one and only, which is enough.
I care too much for others, that it ended up too little for me.
I put others in front of myself.
And I made a pact with myself, a promise to myself.
That I will love myself more than anything on Earth.
That I will rather put myself first, than anything on Earth.

My heart is that small, that is enough for two.
The (cute version) symbol of love, means less than three.
So there shouldn't be any third party involved.

The rest, go figure it out yourself.

Anyhoos,
I spent my first week of "holiday" with/in/to:
Monday (20) : PJ meeting; hair cut; looking for presents
Tuesday (21) : getting the presents @ many places; FQ's 18; Jack's Place
Wednesday (22) : Class outing!
Thursday (23) : Harbourfront; The boy
Friday (24) : Cousins' outing!
Saturday (25) : Lunch with the boy; cake; daiso!; grandma's
Sunday (26) : home; family; celebrating mama's 45

Yeah yeah.
Lastly,

That's all folks.
xoxo

I'm that beautiful monster;

2010-12-23T12:01:00.002+08:00

You know what.
I thought I'm someone who doesn't have dreams and ambitions.
Each year my teacher ask, and I left the paper blank.
Its either I've got too much on mind, that I don't know which one.
Or I've got none.

This time round, then I realised I'm someone with big dreams and not to say, I'm ambitious.
At the end of the day, all I want is to serve the people around me, and make sure I put a smile on their face with my own hands=my own ability/capability.

:D

I dream;
to dance on the stage, in the club, wherever I go, to not give up dancing.
to be able to help the unfortunate with my all.
to give my family a luxurious life, when they retire.
(ok wait! its not the "dream" I'm saying, not the one you dream when you're sleeping, and you wake up, Poof! its gone.)
to be a postwoman!
to be a teacher, Chinese preferably.
to learn and understand every culture/religion/traditions/customs.
to be a banker!
to be an accountant!
to open my own shop!
to start my own business, ok same.
to succeed in Nursing, get a diploma.
(well, I don't wish for a degree).
and the lists goes on,

:D

Now I realise I sortta depend on Facebook much.
But anyway, I'm starting to adapt over here :D

When its all said and done,
I'll be just a speck in the galaxy.
Floating far, far way by gravity.

--

Yesterday's everything went on smoothly.
Though there was a little bit of letdown here and there.
But this taught me that sometimes unforeseen circumstances/situations do happens,
and you always gotta prepare a backup plan for it,
and that, most importantly. Keep cool!
I was good yesterday, self-acclaimed.
I mean my attitude and all.
I'm good.

Lunch @ Jack's Place,
Pool + Bowling,
MindCafe.
Its sucha boohoo to those of them who didn't come.
Really.
Its not something you can get often with just your own clique.
As its SUPPOSED to be a class gathering :D

For the first and the last time I'm doing this, for NRo91o.

--------

Next up, Christmas gathering with cousins!

And speaking of this.
I'm going to get some stuffs with Syafiqah @ Harbourfront today.
Better get dressed and prepare to go out!

---

Lastly,
I've lost my voice to talk.
God bless.

crybaby(ies)

2010-12-22T01:04:00.003+08:00

Imma here standing strong with both feets, proving wrong to those who look down on me. Imma sure I'll be better than you sooner than you expect.

Be it in school or at work or anywhere else.

So I was in school on Monday, having my project meeting.

And one of my group mates, actually told me and pointed out to me that she felt I was rude towards the lecturer during our presentation day, as I asked her for our grades, she felt I need not do so, as she already made her comments. I thought that was it. And next, she told me if I needed help I should just call her up anytime, because she believe that I needed help in my work because I have too many on hand, that I couldn't stand on both feet.

Its just a matter of whether you want to do it or not. I can give you quality without quantity, and vice-versa.

Ha ha. You got my eyes on you babe.

Anyway, I didn't went to Queenstown because suddenly I thought, there's no need for me to go all out for one person/a friend anymore, till they prove to me they are worth for it. If not, I won't go beyond the extra mile just for them. You know like things has come to a point whereby you won't try so hard for someone special/friend, or whatever till you see their sincerity too.

To be honest, I have yet to feel it the way I want. Where they really show it that they too can go beyond the extra mile for me. Till then.

So yeah, I got my gifts as planned at town area. In the mean time, while travelling I thought of giving a small simple surprise for FQ at her workplace. Impromptu-ly!. Thus, I got her a couple of earrings -- accessories, that she can choose to wear from MON-SUNday. HAHAHA :P Hope she likes it! Had dinner at Harbourfront Banquet with her two friends! I left at 8pm,

Just in time to get things settled at Jack's Place, and I literally went to look for the manager and in the end its a win-win situation. Yes I won't make a fool out of myself, I know that there's something wrong with the manager, and I simply name him out and he's really unreasonable at that point of time when I made the phone call + Clara's.

I thought it was still early, about 8.45pm. So I went back to BHG Bugis and got what I wanted. Gotta admit I was rude to the staff but thereafter I did apologise for it. As the packaging was obviously damaged, I then ask the staff if I could get another or a new one, and she said every stock they have has already been put up, so there's no new one or another she can get for me. So I showed her the package and told her, "So this is the kind of packaging you want to sell to me? Are you gonna buy it if it was you?". And there it was, a new packaging.

Brother came back today, I mean tonight at 8pm.

And he's going back at 5am tomorrow morning.

LOL!

Because they went to Science Centre today.

LOL!

At least we got the time to get together!

I have actually come to a point whereby no one notices the difference in me.

And no one actually knows what's going on, what happen to us/me.

Because there lies a difference when you fake a smile and you truly smile happily.

And I chose to smile happily.

And also coming to a point where you know, enough is enough.

I do think of you.

I do think of how are you doing.

I do think of the times.

To know that Memories is the most scariest thing on Earth, rather than Love.

Love doesn't haunt, but Memories do.

In conclusion, I was rather happy with myself for being so self-efficient and fast-paced, that I'm able to get my things done in 6 hours.

Either you risk it; or regret it

2010-12-21T11:34:00.003+08:00

Many events coming up, up here we go!
And you know what.
The greatest boohoo, is that.
I'm down with fever + all the lalalala coming together.
(sore throat, flu, weakness, fatigue)
my phlegm is white and thickish :s

My plan today is to go get the gifts!
Though I planned to get it last Saturday.
Never mind,
& you know what.
I'm going towards.
Bugis, then Marina Square (find the manager of Jack's place).
then Queenstown/Harbourfront.

-

everyone wishes to run and win the race,
with even at their slowest pace,
with ur arms tied to mine like a shoe lace,
not only will we make it through the race but also the outer space.
- ♥

Lastly,

"With all the changing seasons of my life, maybe I'll get it right next time."
- FQ's

Happy birthday FQ :D

Christmas lights.

2010-12-20T02:56:00.000+08:00

This one's for you.

2011, I hope you are better than 2010.

-

Its 2.36am.
Its a norm for me now,
I stay awake.
To do my thing,
stare blankly,
listen to music,
thinking of you,
blog,
reading others',
looking at photos,
uploading mine,
writing lists,
projects,
planning.

Never-
ending.

Oh baby, if this is what we have,
then what we have is gold.

-

Christmas is on its way.
I'm gonna get gifts.
What's the saddest was,
the lovely gifts has been shipped in/
arrived in my arms.
And now,
I'll just wrap them up nicely
in a box,
and if I could accumulate them with tons of gifts,
then that would be better :)

-

I've deactivated my Facebook,
till 2011 comes.
:D

This is the new hit on my mind :D
Lose my mind - The Wanted

-----

All time low- The wanted.

Praying won't do it
Hating won't do it
Drinking won't do it
Fighting won't knock you out
Of my head

Hiding won't hide it
Smiling won't hide it
Like I ain't tried it
Everyone's tried it now
And failed somehow

So when you gonna let me
When you gonna let me out - Out

And if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
Seems like peace is
The only thing I'll never know
How do you get up
Get up

‘Cos driving won't do it
Flying won't do it
Denying won't do it
Crying won't drown it out
The Wanted All Time Low lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/the-wanted-all-time-low-lyrics.html

What you said

When I'm standing on the yellow line
Waiting at the station
Or I'm late for work
A vital presentation
If you call me now girl
Without reservation
I would try to break through

But if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
It seems like peace is
The only thing I never know
How do you get up from an all time low
I can't even find a place to start
How do I choose between my head and heart
Till it ceases I never know
How do you get up from an all time low

A low, (repeat)
Can you hear me
A low (repeat)
Can't you hear me

And if you know…

just run away,

2010-12-19T03:31:00.002+08:00

School's the same,

anywhere everywhere.

To some, new year resolution may be a load of bull.

But to me, it is like some kind of forward planning, and with this I'm able to be on right track.

That's how I do it.

Today, tonight especially.

I am a stronger person, mentally and emotionally.

With all thanks to Amir, no doubt.

And somehow it made me realised that,

somewhere somewhat I am deceiving myself with a pack full of untruthfulness

And that why I said this, was because.

Something happened throughout the day today,

and when I was left to face things alone.

I then realized that I was stronger than I thought I would be.

Simply to say,

I am stronger when I'm alone.

And this time round,

I am sure.

I don't want to act like a kid anymore,

neither do I want to be treated like one.

---

# Friendship.

Its true, don't lie.

That everyone else has a motive behind, upon meeting someone for the first time and befriending.

Be it for the good reasons, or the bad.

Then I just asked myself, and my answer is:

Yes!

My motive, is certainly not the bad one.

But to search for a best friend in them

Sigh, just look at how much I needed one in my life.

These times ain't hard anymore, because I got back up

2010-12-14T19:16:00.003+08:00

Your heart and emotions are on the same page, Gemini, but they may not be on the page you want them to be. It could be that you're reminiscing about an event from the past. What was once a happy set of encounters now leaves you feeling like there are thorns in your side. Focus on the present and let the past become history.

Yes, I clearly think that this is it.
For all this while, the thought of that has been running in and out of my mind.

Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. For yourself.

For all the bad moments I have in a day,
reading through friend's blog, friends' friend's blog, inspiring quotes and stories,
is enough to end my day on a lighter note.

You can't just keep thinking about yesterday, or worry for tomorrow. You just have to live in the present, you just have to live for today. Because every second counts, and you only live life once.

-

I did went through a period of (mild/slight/light) depression, months ago.
Thinking that serious big accidents is gonna happen on me, worrying that my nightmares will come true, not being myself, in denial of what's happening around me, my heart got weaker and smaller, and for the first time in my life. I was negative, i went all the way downhill.
That period was one bad experience, bad feeling, bad time, bad towards my relationship, friendship, family, work, school.
It affected everything of Me.

No, I don't want to go back there.
No, I don't want to walk backwards.
Neither, do I want to dwell/think of it any longer.

I simply just can't stand people being negative, being emotional, and all the shits.
It just made me feel that this life they are having, is totally wasted.
Its not supposed to be like this.

This December is going hard on me.
Special dates, birthdays, and many other events, is sufficient enough
to land me bankrupt.
Oh,
I am gonna work double x10, this coming two weeks break.
I wanna earn more $

Because.
1. I need money for 2011.
2. I wanna go Philippines, as planned.
3. I need money for all those occasions.
4. I wanna save money for the next rainy day.

like a G6.

2010-12-11T15:44:00.002+08:00

I don't know why.
I don't get it.
Why am I so annoyed with things/people around me, and especially myself too.

1. their attitude, and mine.
2. the way they act, and mine.
3. the way they dress, and mine.
4. the way they portrait themselves, and mine.

so (fucking) annoyed.

5. their mindset, and mine.

_-_

a. I tend to say things, and repeat it over and over again
b. I tend to say the wrong things at the wrong timing
c. I tend to say things that doesn't make sense totally
d. I tend to do things, that at the end of the day, you'll find it ridiculous
e. I tend to not able to think out of the box, but systematically
f. I am not happy with myself weighing at 52kg
g. But food is always look tempting and appetizing
h. I am not happy with the tyre-like tummy I have
i. I don't exercise at all
j. I tend to sleep late
k. I don't like my sleepy eyes, I don't like eye bags
l. How fun is it to be a girl, especially you're someone with looks
m. How beautiful life actually is
n. How sometimes my frustration ruin the happiness I could have
o. Life is contradicting at times
p. I know I should START doing something, before my life is ruined
q. I love my boyfriend a lot
r. So as my friends, people around me
s. Sometimes I struggle to break free, from people
t. I know its not a tough task for me
u. I know what it takes to be who I want to be for my future
v. I'm playing with myself
w. I am childish, very
x. Sometimes I hate the people around me, but not very
y. I do bear grudges, but I let it go quickly after
z. Do the S.M.A.R.T; new year resolution
and I hope it works for me.

_-_

A recent study shows that the heart gets weaker everytime we do something opposite of what we feel.

un-pleased.

2010-12-04T06:15:00.003+08:00

Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you.
Someone who knows that you are not perfect,
but treats you as if you are.
Someone whose biggest fear is losing you.
One who gives their heart completely.
Someone who says I love you and mean it.
Last but not least,
find someone you wouldn't mind waking up with you in the morning,
see you wrinkles and your gray hair
but still falls in love with you all over again.

Many things happen.
The people often I see around me,
sometimes I hate them.
Y'see.
Hate, for the reason why they don't help you out in times
of down,
but they would ask for help when they
need one.

Like what happened;
when this good friend is in need of help real damn bad,
what the people do.
Fuck, was all in mind every time I sees anyone of them.
Yes,
when talking about money.
You're broke.
When you need help,
you really want people to help you.
I see them with new stuff every time I see them.
I see them able to sacrifice a few hundredths over
something.
Non-living things may depreciate,
but friendship doesn't.

.

Good food, good music, good people
Chases the dust away from my soul.
This is what I need,
it makes my world a better place.
It enables me, to have a clearer vision
of what happening/going on around me.
A clear mind to face who I am facing with.

-

To fuck with people who tries to pull me down;
To fuck with those who tries to manipulate me;
To fuck with you who have bad intentions befriending me;
I'm not smart,
but I'm wise enough to recognize you and make you the outstanding one.

.

I'm not pleased with who you think you are.
I ain't going to carry out as what you think it should be.
Because I do my thing.
Yes, I do my thing.
You are giving me problems,
just by telling me what to do.
You know?

when worlds collide.

2010-11-29T23:00:00.004+08:00

Dear love,

With greatest love.

XOXO

Out of the 101 things, I chose this.

dear future self,

There are some things I’d like you to know.

Appreciate all that you have. Don’t take anything for granted, because as fast as things come, they disappear much faster. Don’t let your pride or your emotionless nature stop you from showing your appreciation to people and/or things around you. Life can only bring so much happiness, and if you don’t take the chance to address it, you’ll lose it all. Say your thank yous and i love yous now before it’s too late.

Become something greater than yourself. Don’t simply live to successfully get a job and a family. No offense, but that’s lame. Live to make mistakes, and then fix them. Live to feel accomplished of your victories. Live to regret all that you’ve done, but also live to appreciate. Become someone, not something. Become someone that the heavens will be proud of. Become what you want to be, and become it in such a manner that will astonish even strangers. Become a friend to all people. Help them, become more than just you.

Create memories as much as possible. Don’t let living life stop you from recording it. Take a picture. Record a moment. Do anything possible to preserve that memory from withering away as age comes by. And, recreate yourself. Recreate the passion you’ve used to drive your years thus far. Implant your ambitions in the souls of youth in your time, so that our society will never fade.

Don’t allow your heart to become your greatest weakness. Your heart should be a prideful treasure kept in the most confined and protected areas of your life. Your heart should be something worth fighting for. If you decide someday that he is worth your heart, go ahead and share it with him. But don’t give him the authority to control your heart.

Endure all that you can. Don’t worry about being able to take on everything, just take on what you can handle, leave the rest to God. And with that, don’t simply give up knowing someone has your back. Give up when you’ve given all that you can, and cannot give anymore. Give up when it’s the only choice, not the best.

Fight for what you believe in. Throw away your fears of speaking up, and just do it. People will be people, they’ll agree, disagree and then criticize you. As long as you believe in what you say, their words should mean nothing to you. Fight until you lose.

Give to others.

Heck, don’t procrasinate. Don’t lose focus on the good things in life, and always work hard. Don’t be lazy like I am now. Oh, and don’t let your fears stop you from living life.

Believe in yourself, dont underestimate your abilities, smile often, and keep dancing. Hope all is well.

Love, your present self;

xoxo.

Reading is good, it improves your vocabulary and your imagination.

Am I ridiculous? Tell me, I am.

Some how it just hits me back.

Whenever grandpa words just replayed in my head.

Ohhhh, he seems to be suffering now.

I mean he is, but right now.

He isn't happy at all.

sayings.

2010-11-29T01:00:00.002+08:00

I dislike seeing people posting emo status all round the year

So negative-ish

Tsk!

You oughtta know the fact that,

even though somebody loves you,

it doesn't mean that you're the only person that can make

him/her happy.

Am I right?

So vice-versa la.

Too many thoughts running inside my head

Too much

tumblr is really good at times,

with all their inspirational quotes and saying.

k bye,

xoxo.

Wished, and wish you were right here with me.

2010-11-18T02:12:00.005+08:00

He's handsome, good-looking,

everything you want,

is all in him.

He's good.

Yeah, he's good.

He's thoughtful, sensitive, helpful, generous, selfless

He has his own mindset and thinking, he's independent

He's not like anyone out there.
He loves me.

He cares.

Yeah, he is.

He's my boyfriend.

"Whatever that happen now and whatever that has yet to happen for the future, I apologise."

I remembered this text of mine.

Stay with me tonight, as I looked up the stars.

I wish you were here.

When it was just a dream, just a moment ago.

I wish the time just stops, for me and you.

I wished and wish you were right here with me.

Sometimes I kept my eyes awake, because your presence is so unbelievable that I don't want to fall asleep.

Sometimes I forced myself to sleep, just so you can appear in my dreams.

While sometimes reality is better than dreams, when you're just right here beside me.

But most of the times, I took this for granted because when I fall right under your arms, I get so comfortable that luring myself to sleep was natural.

Sometimes I stare at you uncomfortably, because I don't know if it'll be the last time.

I have so little confidence about the next moment, after so many events happened.

What's gonna happen, the next second.

It's unpredictable.

How many more eyelashes can you/I drop?

What if there's none, does it mean we've stop missing each other?

How do you not make someone feel useless most of the time?

How do you make someone feel you really care for them?

For real.

xoxo,

love you

//Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus//

I'll take time to visit you,

Stay the night.

2010-11-17T17:22:00.002+08:00

Growing up.

When everyone welcomes 2011 happily.

I think I should be, doing this too.

By then, I'm going 19 soon.

Wow.

Time flies.

And I'm getting more and more afraid to grow up.

I'm not saying I want to stay as a kid.

I want to stay young forever, yes I do.

Without the childishness, and irrational acts.

Sigh.

I know some people out there in the world, are in the same boat as me.

But what can I do, should I do, am I to do.

To overcome this, fear instilled in me.

Honestly.

When the sun goes down, and comes back around

2010-11-17T17:20:00.000+08:00

Got this from a friend's blog;

10pm
Girl: babe, let's meet later. I miss you.
Boy: alright, I'll just finish this round of beer.
Girl: you're drinking again?
Boy: don't worry; I'll be there, okay?
Girl: okay, I'll be waiting.
hours passed, more of the boy's friends came and they enjoyed too much that he forgot about the time.
The boy looked at his cellphone and saw four messages and 10 missed calls.
He shut his phone down to pretend his battery was drained.
1am
The boy went home and saw his brother, panicking outside the house and looking for him.
Brother: someone called earlier! Your girlfriend's bag was snatched, but she followed the snatchers and they shot her!
Boy: don't mess with me man. Stop joking.
The boy opened his cellphone and looked at her messages.
11: 00pm
Babe, where are you?
11: 30pm
Babe, why is your phone off?
11: 45pm
Babe, there are guys following me. I'm scared. Where are you? : '(
12: 00am
Happy Anniversary Babe, I love you. I wanted to greet you personally, but I think I won't see you tonight. Good night babe, I hope you're not drunk when you get home.
(This was originally in Filipino, but I translated it for you guys.)
I felt sad, reading this.
Guys, you'll never know when you'll lose the people you love.
Show them everyday how much you love them because you'll never know when you can't, anymore.

Believe.

2010-11-17T15:58:00.003+08:00

True friends understands what running through your mind, without asking what it is.

True friends appreciates what you have done for her, even though you/she did not say any.

True friends, and the list goes on.

Everyone's saying this, but have you met your true friend yet?

Good for you, if you already have.

Cos I know I will have, one day.

I thank people who appreciate me, for who I am and what I've been.

For they loved me when I'm not at my most loveable time of my life,

for they have been there when I'm just been hanged in the air,

for they have taught me many things that could possibly in life when teachers could not do so.

For others,

they would, only when they want to.

I say;

a true friend can see your tears pouring, while the others believe the smile you're faking.

"Hey jude, don't be afraid."

I heard someone telling me this, while I was asleep.

Or maybe when I'm dreaming.

These days,

I am more paranoid than before

I get scared easily than before

I fear even more to take risks

I get less daring than before

I am less louder than before

I'm more aggressive than before

I get lesser hot-temper than before

I cry even more easily than before

I talk lesser than before

I blog lesser than before

I... and the list goes on,

if you see me, you know.

I don't know what I want now,

what I'm missing,

what I want to achieve.

I think,

all I need is courage and strength to go on.

I'm stuck, where I am, I'm going nowhere.

I thought I lost it all,

but I don't want to disappoint the loved ones,

that needed me, looked up on me, and most importantly,

believed in me.

Life isn't so easy as it seems, but its not so difficult as we thing.

Nobody said it was easy, but nobody said it would be this hard.

its not public anymore

2010-11-15T01:06:00.003+08:00

Hi there.

hi there.

I am feeling extremely angry right now at every single thing.

you are the one source, where i thought of letting it out.

they said i dont deserve you

they said why should i go through all these shits when i don't actually have to

she said i was a bitch

he said i was wrong

he said i shouldn't have done that

he said things about her

and now you said i overspent

and then he said i don't deserve this

and then you said i was wrong

they said i was wrong

they said i was stupid

now u said im fat

they said im fat

they want me to listen

he wants me to listen

she wants me to listen

you want me to be there

she wants me to be there

he wants me to be there

have i ever request anything from you?

have i ever asked help from you?

I never even want you to accompany me to eat for lunch,

i never even asked help from you even though i needed one

even though i needed someone to be there,

i just kept quiet

going through fights, quarrels, and whats not.

no one actually know

are you ok? is a question that doesnt help at all

if you yourself can see that this person is not okay, this person isn't.

so dont ask, try to be smart.

this is what i learnt from you

if you think that person is angry, dont fucking ask if he/she is angry

that's a stupid question

at the end of the day the shit that i've created

is for me to resolve it myself

i was angry,

now im not

thanks :)

i love you.

xoxo

and lastly babe,

if you're reading

i love you and i miss you alot.

i value friendship way up up up above relationship at times

i value the bond we have, or we used to have

and i trust you alot,

and im fucking sensitive about it.

no boys allowed thats it.

Coldplay's Replay

2010-11-11T02:12:00.002+08:00

Last night, while I was online B chatted with me.

He kept asking me how was you.

So I answered, you're good and that you're busy with school and work.

Yes, he missed you a lot.

Today, in the library I met Y.

He asked me where were you, (which I totally had no idea of)

So I answered, I don't know maybe you're at home sleeping, or you're in class still.

And so he said, oh? (with that puzzled look like why wouldn't i not know where were you)

Because you'll be here every Wednesday.

Oh I see.

When all the emotions start to settle in,

I collected my feelings,

and I felt lost, once again.

There are these moments when we are forced to come to terms with the way things really are.

Everyone has their own way of relieving stress/distressing/relaxing themselves.

Mine's always the same.

It will either start off or end off with sitting by the beach.

daily bonus

2010-11-09T21:42:00.002+08:00

To me, a part of life is

about making promises to someone, anyone, or many different people/person

When you're a little kid,

you promise your mom that you will finish the food

you promise your dad that you'll do maths

When you're like a teenager,

you promise your mom that you'll grow up

you promise your dad that you'll pass your exams with good results

When you're like me (now) a young adult,

you promise your mom that you'll save up money for rainy days/future

you promise your dad you'll start thinking/planning for the future

When you get into a relationship,

you promise your boyf be there for him

you promise him that you'll be faithful to him

When you get out of the relationship,

you promise to him that you wouldn't turn back

you promise him that you won't contact him anymore

When a person/a friend passed on,

you promise to miss the person

you promise you'll remember this person

When a person/a friend is going away,

you promise you'll hold on

you promise you'll wait

When it comes to you making mistakes,

you promise you won't do it again

you promise it will never happen again

When it comes to facing yourself,

you promise to be strong

you promise to listen for the truth

Whatever that is post above, applies to me only.

Shut up.

save tonight

2010-11-09T01:56:00.002+08:00

Lately, I have been contemplating whether to put my blog as private or public.

Now I see the privacy in here, uh-huh

I realised I'm not like before,

like the "I don't care who's reading, its my blog" attitude,

no,

now I care, and I really do.

Actually falling in love is only just half of what I want

Staying in love with you forever is another.

when our life turned the other way round;

when our thinking switched;

when our words exchanged;

when will we ever think the same,

if we are always exactly opposite of each other?

I remembered I used to say,

I don't care about what others think.

As long as I know, myself

I see the good in others.

So what if he died a good death,

he deserves it.

People sees it this way,

because they see the bad in him.

Prejudice?

Whatever it is,

he's just a schoolmate,

I put that aside already.

Today we did a lil bit of social psychology.

What is it in me that is known to others & myself;

LOUD

DARING

BRAVE

COLOURFUL

KIND

PATIENT

HELPFUL

STRAIGHT

NICE

SMILING ALWAYS

SWEET

What is it in me that is known to others but unknown to self;

SERIOUS

STRICT

SELFLESS

SEXY

LOVELY

ORGANISED

GREAT FASHION SENSE

STREET SMART

CREATIVE

What is it in me that is unknown to others but known to self;

LAZY

but

DILIGENT

and

AGGRESSIVE,

VULGAR

but

I RESPECT OTHERS

and a lil

STUBBORN

at times

You should do this more often in school,

this is called;

self-awareness.

So who are you?

grief and loss;

2010-11-01T14:24:00.003+08:00

Trying to make things better on the inner part,

there the outer part goes haywire.

And when I tried to make things better on the outer part,

the same thing happens again.

Yes, why can't I make both things better at the same time?

Oh yeah, if I could.

It'll be wonderful, but no. I'm human.

Sometimes I wonder.

When people ask, "How are you?"

Do they actually really mean it, or are they just asking for the sake.

Because everyone does that, and if by starting of with this line.

Its like a kick-start to your conversation.

Do they actually want to know it?

Seriously.

And when things happen,

they would like to say "Call me anytime" or the other way "Anything just call"

Do they mean it by saying they'll be there?

Do they literally want that person to call them anytime?

Do you?

There was once, I called.

It just so happen that, the person's schedule that day didn't allow them to do it, so they had to say no.

From there and then, I never called again.

I don't want to be a burden, depending on them, waiting for their accompany.

I didn't want to make them feel guilty if they couldn't.

I didn't have the energy most of the time to pick up the phone anyway.

Yes, it feels good to say it. It's common.

Unconsciously, its like a way to relieve our responsibility, isn't it?

Now I get it, say only what you mean.

This one comes from me;

There are 4 things that would only pop out in a girl's head every time she's quiet.

1) She is thinking/self-reflecting for the actions she have done

2) She is angry at something that had happen/someone/thoughts of conversation

3) She is upset/heartbroken/don't want to talk about it

4) She is just tired/blank/restless

Or sometimes they can all sum it up together at one time.

Only when she's quiet, when usually she's not.

I'm so deprived from sleep nowadays

I am, remorseful for everything that I have done.

Day by day, I'm seeking for forgiveness from God, from you, and myself.

For all the bad/evil things I've ever thought/said/did,

I'll make it up by doing some good deeds.

Yes, I will.

When somebody is upset/grieving,

please do not/never to say that,

you know how it feels.

Because every grief experience is uniquely individual,

even though its under the same circumstances and situation.

It doesn't mean you feel this way, the other party would too.

I myself can't believe, I don't think you can even remember either.

We were once very close, talk on the phone till late night, even though we're seeing each other the next day in the morning.

You're the first guy friend I knew in Loyang, yeah you.

No one brought us close, but its just that you were B's best friend then.

You, making prank calls.

We, going out together.

The last straw of our friendship, was when I was being made a scapegoat over something you did.

That's it.

Take a step back,

and observe the world.

It actually felt like Sunday!

2010-10-31T01:12:00.002+08:00

I left this space for quite some time.

Nothing's wrong.

Its just that,

I felt overwhelmed with everything that is happening around me.

And I don't wanna make any mistake,

just by typing,

just by using my words.

Have been spending my everyday with Amir lately.

How was it?

Great.

There's never a time that I don't feel good meeting him.

Ok, there was, once.

And just that once.

When I just feel like shutting down completely from me to the world.

Sometimes someone just say something really small and

it just fits right into this empty place in your heart

I like how one event just changes everything.

Be it making things better or worse.

;

I liked how my friendship started with AFJK,

that I've learnt how to differentiate things (better)

between good and bad.

I liked how my mum asked/forced me to go work during the LONG holidays,

and thereafter I met Jia Min,

who is my best friend now.

I liked how Syafiqah's mom actually had a chalet.

And she invited all of us, and

we did got close eversince.

I liked how the friendship breakdown between the three of us.

Because that's when i know who's true and who's isn't.

I liked how I met Mabel & gang.

I liked how I met Mazni & gang.

That's when I know, school isn't exactly the place I don't want to be in.

I liked how Alvin & wife invited us to his birthday chalet,

that's when we actually can talk our hearts out,

without an inch closer to fighting.

I liked what's happening around me.

Because this is when I know, I'm not alone.

I'm not the weakest, still.

I liked how I fell in love with Amir.

Love is indeed, a magical and powerful feeling.

It/He made me grow up,

in the pace I know I'll never be in.

I liked the fact that I have the most awesome-st cousins,

with me.

No matter how distant we are,

the fact that I still love them,

and I want to share with them every part of my life.

I liked that I was born in this generation.

Dope music, awesome people, great stuffs, new things.

The fact that many histories were inked from this generation.

I liked the double dates I used to have with Amirah.

Things that I ought to learn from her, many.

I liked how I am being straightforward.

In any other way, I would like people to treat me as it is.

I liked how my friendship ended with ABCDEFGHJKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ

Because there's no such thing as you, you you and yourself.

Neither, I I I and myself.

I liked how one family gathering can lure everyone back into the

family-centered mood, instead of their own personal life,

and for once, get together again.

I liked how I get those distractions, I used to have.

Standing strong from my wants and needs.

I actually liked.

Not as in enjoying it,

but the fact that it happened and changed many things.

To summarise my week.

# Week 2 of school #

met Amir every single day :)
got my salary X2! $$$
discovered a new feeling, learnt from someone's experience about family
more, and more project meetings during break time
sleeping straight through lecture(s)
helped out over @ Man's place, with the wedding services
celebrated grandma's 73th
anticipating for a good seafood meal with sab&fahim

You, ceased to exist in my life.

This is the furthest I can go.

One day.

Now I know, that its so much spooky knowing that someone is stalking you,

in some way.

No need to feeling feeling I'm talking about you,

cause I'm not and I don't want to entertain.

I'm talking about my classmate here,

the one that broke my trust,

and never deserves another one.

I hope you practice what you preach.

For all the nasty words you ever said about me.

I don't care, as long as it doesn't harms me.

It doesn't affects me, at all.

I won't get back at you.

Fret not, I don't talk behind your back.

Not any once.

Yes, I still accept you as a friend.

A friend can be anyone you talk to, everyday.

But that doesn't mean you can go anywhere further.

That's my definition of friend.

"Cos i don't want to hang out with you any more on a personal level."

Goodnight, I'm turning in'

herstory.

2010-10-21T01:23:00.002+08:00

Waking up for 8am class, is a chore now.

I don't find it a norm anymore.

I even asked Amir, what time should I leave school? What time should I wake up?

She was never in wrong.

I'm not either.

I'm just stating the facts, I want to make clear.

Whether or not, you treat me as your best.

I don't mind.

Say, I'm selfish, self-centered, straightforward.

Whatever you want, I just want to make it sure.

Rest in peace.

2010-10-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

By right, junior is coming some time early next year. Some how, it left earlier. Maybe it wasn't just meant to be. By left, i am back like how i used to be. I hope.

Today's another new day.

2010-10-16T07:07:00.000+08:00

The day before today;
I woke up today with a big bright smile, because last night baby ask me to think about it, and I'm ready to tell him the answer. All i need and want is him, the only one.. :)

Today;
I woke up crying and crying and crying. Yes i do regret what i did. There's just no turning back, you think so? My mind keeps telling me to give up but my heart doesn't want to. Today, is the first time of my life, i clearly know what they both want.

Time flies, Happy 1st year anniversary Amirah&Salihin.

I know I have a boyfriend, and I always have. Never have I lie to anyone that I'm single, not that I know of.

Today just marks the day, that I can't go back to singlehood any more. The truth is, my mind keeps wanting to be single, but my heart has closed for just my baby.
This might just explain why, the many times I felt like giving up and I didnt. This is not an exception either

Only if some help to get me out of these nightmares that i'm having every night, fear of losing you every single day,

I'm sorry that even tonight I can't be there for you. I have my reasons you think its bullshit, i should have known earlier that I couldn't make it.

This will be the last time i'm blogging in public. Because for all the times, i've been posting it, because one day i know he'll read it.

I'll make it to the point whereby, one day just one day. I am the one who will slowly disappear from your life.

Blog post 1

2010-10-14T21:07:00.000+08:00

I am glad i live in this generation and to be part of it. Dope stuffs, good music, awesome inspiring people, many new histories are inked from this generation. But looking at how the world gets together, makes me feel contradicted. Look at how more and more singaporeans turn racism to a daily issue, makes me wanna puke. Look at how ugly your face is, and you want to discriminate/prejudice people from their appearance, looks, race and religion. "regardless of race, language and religion" what the fuck is that for, yes i digress. Fuck you people, that smell like rotten eggs!!!!!

First love;

2010-10-14T15:52:00.003+08:00

(I like how he draw the font, cutenyer!)

Take a look at this,

if you understand what its referring to.

I just laughed.

-----------

Hey y'all.

Its been long since I last blog.

Meh.

Okay, one week only.

Hey!

I'm currently working at the S'pore Polo Club,

little did I knew it was fun working there.

I get to meet different kinds of people, and especially the angmohs.

Have to say "pardon" instead of "huh"?

LOL.

Okay, other than that.

Everything's the same.

I just kept being rude to certain people, no matter how hard I tried not to.

I'm known for being well-mannered, at the same time disrespect for some adults.

Say it, and mean it.

Love you, xoxo

thursday payday, funday slackday :D

2010-10-07T14:30:00.002+08:00

If only my life was this good, fun+slack.

HAHAHA

Nah, I don't want it.

Waste time, no money.

I have a mini surprise for all of them,

and I'm very sure its the last time already.

peace to myself.

Lastly,

Ciaoz,

I'm going to get prepared for work now.

I miss you.

2010-10-06T01:18:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wished I can wear school uniform again, :D

Sometimes I do miss secondary school times.

But the little ding dongs here and there, are all because of the people that made it all up.

I swear I would do anything,

just to make someone not just smile but happy.

That's one of the item, I wish to do before I die.

Sometimes the best memories are sad, because you don't know

when will this ever be happening again.

So there was this couple in front of me just now.

I saw how the girl cried,

how she tried to push the guy away, and pull him back,

and how the guy tried to coax her.

I've never seen this myself before.

I'm not not afraid.

I have a weak heart.

But I cannot cannot handle it.

I will persevere, determine, have faith, believe in myself,

all over again.

God (in any God you prefer), please lead us to the right way.

So that we can be free.

Or maybe just forgive our wrongdoings.

Relax sudah:)

Boy's best friend.

2010-10-05T00:56:00.002+08:00

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak, but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hands on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed, I can't be sure

Boy: I broke up
with her.
His Best
Friend: What happened?
Boy: She’s just
too much for me.
His Best
Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?
Boy: Well, for
one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took
forever to get dressed! So insecure..
His Best
Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your
eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under
your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..
Boy: Oh.. Well..
She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not
to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!
His Best
Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your
well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing
you. I see..
Boy: But.. Uhh..
Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightlymean. She can’t handle
anything. She’s a crybaby!
His Best
Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And
because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..
Boy: I.. Well!
You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so
anoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.
His Best
Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to
commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out
later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love
only her. I see..
Boy: Well, she..
His Best
Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She
just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you
proud?
Boy: I broke her
heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?
His Best
Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could.
You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what
happened.
Think about it, when she’s too much for you.. She just
wants the best for you. Because to her YOU’RE the best. If you don’t like
something, talk to her about it. You mean so much to her. Don’t just give up.
Don’t just leave because you want the easy way out. Ya’ Dig?

Every now and then, I get tired a little bit

2010-10-03T15:49:00.006+08:00

Damn,

what do you do when you are left with less than a month?

Regardless of anything.

Working is never easy,

unless its a job that you have passion with,

and interest in it.

With that, you'll never find anything hard in it.

Because its your favourite :D

I just somehow lost the drive to work work work work work

to earn more $$$$$$$$

but still, I will.

I can't quit that easily,

because its not even a month,

I need time to adapt to environment,

just that one,two particular workers suck,

and inverted your great day.

because its my auntie who recommend the job,

even if I can't respect the people there,

I should at least respect her.

because its 7.50/hr.

Maybe that's why.

imma gonna get your heart racing in my skinned tight jeans, tonight!

oh well, its just a teenage dream.

I wanna hold your hand, and walk through the entire universe over and over again.

2010-10-02T01:34:00.003+08:00

Last night, I was angry for a moment.
Really, but he still shocked me with his presence at the bus stop.
Hilarious.
Not tonight,
cause I didn't had a great day at work,
maybe because he didn't wish me "Happy Working!"
Hahaha, random.

--

This is the last straw of my relationship with you(s).
And I swear, that I am not going to keep trying and "try again".
What's the point when the other party doesn't have the heart to do so.
I swear.
I mean it, I really do.

True enough, it doesn't mean that the person you love doesn't love you back like the way you did meant that he/she doesn't love you at all.
I get it all, understood the meaning.

I treat people like how I want them to treat me back.
And the truth is, I hope they treat me the same or even better, so that the next time I can improve on myself, and treat them even better.
I expect, this from people around me.
I never talked about it, cause why should I?
But I had enough, its just a secret I've been keeping to myself.
And each time, someone failed to do so.
I have to swallow the unhappiness to myself, because I know it may seem ridiculous to you but its ideal to me.

--

I'm quite a kiasu person, I feel.
I have a secret project to do.
And its only gonna be presented next year.
Like whaaaat?
Afraid of insufficient time, I guess.

--

I sort of became, nocturnal.
Restless in the day, but active at night.
I can't seem to catch any sleep these days,
and not really able to sleep at the correct timing,
not forgetting to wake up at the right timing.
:(

--

DEFINE, SUCCESS.
?

Two options in life: gain then pain/pain then gain.

this is the last time,

2010-10-01T02:52:00.005+08:00

define everyone.

selfish bastards.

even myself, to a certain extent.

the pot calling the kettle black,

some people just don't see how silly they are infront of others.

all i want to say,

you abused my sincerity towards this friendship.

fuck you.

no, i wont ask you to fuck off.

its just that

i never want to be friends with you anymore,

so this is it.

life still goes on.

closer to the edge.

2010-09-29T23:05:00.002+08:00

I'm not saying i'm sorrrrrrry.

No no no no

bringing our friendship one step closer to the edge.

anyway.

THIS COMING 9TH OCT.

I NEED YOU PEOPLE DOWN @ SCAPE

TO SUPPORT ME & MY COUSIN :D

$$$$$$

SATURDAY, 2-9PM.

$$$$$$

working for F1 was great, during the weekends

money come rolling in, again and again

im just busy,

im gonna just ignore the whatever unnecessary shits.

#68

2010-09-29T02:33:00.002+08:00

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves a memory no one can steal :)

A day of living through the night, is just one day closer to death.
Have you ever wonder, how many more days and nights you'll be able to see again?
How many more sunsets and sunrise you'll be able to watch again?

I'll go to visit my grandparents soon,

Although people had said this too many times, whereby "never take things for granted".
But I guess most of them forgot the real meaning, or never had understood.
Money can't buy happiness, being together doesn't mean happiness, being happy/satisfied doesn't mean happiness.
It meant taking good care of one's heart.
Everything, every little thing starts with the heart.
:)

Anyway, I'm really surprised that baby took me to flyers today.
It was a ticket he bought 2MONTHS AGO.
oh yeah, love you.

Not to cheer you up, or praise about you.
Nevertheless, you're one in a million.
I love you :()

we'll be young forever

2010-09-28T01:43:00.003+08:00

WHAT TO DO WHEN FACED WITH TWO CHOICES?

Simple, Toss a coin.
It works not because it settles the question for you, but because while the coin is in the air,
you suddenly realised what you are hoping for.

: )

Imma gonna get your hands on my skinny tight jeans tonight,

What if you know when's your death date, exactly?
what would you do then?

i am who i am today, are the choices i made back then.
im glad i have you today.
dear love, every day i'm grateful and thankful to god that i'm able to just hold you for one more day.
i fear, for one day im not able to hold you any longer.
before that day comes, i hope you'll be mentally prepared,
that is when i'll be cruel to you.

the truth is, im not able to hold you any longer.
forever if there is, i'll love you till the end of time.
this i promise.

XOXO, love

You; are meant for me

2010-09-25T01:46:00.003+08:00

I feel I had a strong affinity with this song,

I don't know why.

This was the song that which accompany me throughout those times when I was down,

the whole period of time when I was in Jakarta, the days before I realised and understood the meaning, before you came into my life.

Till I met you, I finally understood the song, and why I could have loved it so much.

I realised the presence of the most beautiful love, the moment you held me close to you.

The presence of your presence, made me lost for words and froze in place.

I have been always wanting you, to be there to accompany me

in every step, that makes me believe that you're meant for me for eternity.

I just love this song,

and now I know that Ungu duet with Rossa,

erm okay more like a wedding song, I guess.

___

I've no reason to felt guilty of,

everything was a matter of fact.

But indirectly, I just felt I've hurt you.

Thanks/Sorry for the trust you had in me,

for I know I didn't abuse it.

At the end of the day,

I just want to say.

Never be complacent, because you'll never know what's around you.

If you're always so full of yourself, you'll never know what others will do/think/say.

____

I want to meet my Primary School friends so much,

that I'm so afraid to meet them.

I know people change,

I changed they changed.

I'm just afraid that I can't accept the way they are right now.

Selfish.

:'/

_____

Remembering Remember.

2010-09-24T16:22:00.004+08:00

Attachment days are:

15/11-10/12

Oh well,

fuck the system.

If you love someone,

do not put their name in a heart.

Because hearts can be broken.

Put their name in a circle

instead,

because circle goes on

forever.

I guess I shall stop talking

I can't remember what I

want to say,talk,ask

I seem to lost a part of myself;

the expressive part.

I hope they don't get angry with me.

Cinderella did not google for Prince Charming.

Just like we always say,

try google-ing for it.

I googled.

No one actually said,

I yahooed.

Try yahoo-ling.

I'm your future, and you're mine too

2010-09-24T00:38:00.003+08:00

All these while,

yes this is what's in my head.

__________

I just so dislike when somebody tell me;

"you are not like me"

"you are not in my shoes"

"you don't understand"

Fuck you.

If you want to tell me things,

you dont say such things.

Fuck you.

Love asked if I was angry after what she said,

I said no.

But I just felt like.

You are just putting yourself in a losing end.

Just stop saying that

"every girl are always on the losing end"

I'm not angry with you,

but I just feel what the fuck

plus I got nothing to say.

So just go fuck yourself.

100hours.

2010-09-21T12:53:00.002+08:00

jeal-ous (jeh-lus) -adjective;
feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, succcess, or advantages

Sometimes two people need to step apart
and make a space between
that each might see the other anew,
in a glance across a room
or silhouetted against the moon.

That's what I believed in.

At the end of the day,

I bear the consequences of everything I do.

And everything I do,

seems to be a chance to make

anyone around me frown.

"I'll just do what I think is best"

Dear God;
Help me in growing up, let me grow up faster. (Oh, I wont regret)
Hold him when I'm not around, when I'm just far away (when I'm gone)
Enlighten me, help me get my visions clearer
I want to path my own way out.

XOXO,

Love.

YOU (noun) Never be replaced,

2010-09-19T13:02:00.005+08:00

Hey.

Though life is short,

but you still have a long way to go.

18? 21?

You have just started your life.

Don't ruin it by your stupid emotions and thoughts,

its not worth it.

I don't know how I should say it, coming in different forms of words I do not how to convey.

When I revisit McCafe the other day,

I received this.

I remembered how that guy used to write in different ways,

to make me smile and enjoy the drink.

Its awesome.

Never,

did I envy the all the other couples out there.

I mean the way they do.

Honestly.

Because I believe every love that we had is individual and unique in our own way,

that brings two beings together.

Just like me and babyboo.

Fightings, quarrellings, arguments, disagreements, shouting, walking away;

Kissing, hugging, loving, cuddling, making love, biting;

You name it, we do it.

Good times, bad times.

Been there, done that.

The message I want to convey is that;

No matter how stuck up you think my relationship is,

I hope you dont doubt me or my love,

whether are we gonna last through or not,

it is not up to you to judge.

Still, I can't blame you for thinking this way.

Just stop meddling into my affairs.

I used to seek people for advice on love,

I used to interrupt their lives just to help me solve my problem,

I used to bother them off their sleep and what's not just to help me think of what to say,

now that I finally understood that,

love, is not an exam.

It is not like just by practising ten-year series, and you'll get the hook of it.

Even with true understanding, compromising, giving and taking;

you need constant patience, initiative, and just more love, sugar spice and everything nice.

Whatever it is, I still don't know how to convey my message clearly.

But all I (actually) wanna say is that,

whatever challenges (even tough than the current one) I will still be brave to face it,

just to make it work, not make it worse.

Lastly,

XOXO,

127 hours.

2010-09-18T23:51:00.006+08:00

Finally, everything has come to an end.

The good ones, the bad ones.

I ain't being negative at all. I'm just learning,

Quickened/quickening my steps just to grow up fast.

I never regretted what I did, what I didn't, what I missed.

There are many things in life, that most people took advantage of and granted for.

They never seem to look at the other side of it, often yes they look at the positive side.

But you'll never know what God, what life will give you at the next moment.

You won't forever be happy.

No one will ever be.

"I'm happier because I saw what sadness is, I wont be angry as I saw what patience is"

This is it.

Just reflect on what you can do.

Nobody can tell you or me how to live your or my life.

So just shut the ~~fuck~~ up.

Your comments are unnecessary to add shit to that person's life.

I believe in,

Change is the only constant.

After all I've been through,

I will never want to see myself and my loved ones frown over the same old thing over

and over again,

I never wanted this to happen, again.

Trial and error, I guess.

And the constant in my life is that,
I love you, no matter how difficult its going to be.

Triggered temptations, I did it!

Huffed and puffed, together.

his/her name will start with Q,

2010-09-16T22:59:00.004+08:00

Imagine me wearing a hijab, oh I cannot visualise that just yet

Looking forward to every Wednesday's classes, :P

ooh, kesiannye orang punye baby kene put up for adoption.

i'm legal now, my baby doesn't have to go through all that,

today, one uzstaz came over to the nursery to say a few prayers for L5 and he even gave him a name, Muhammad Irfan.

the baby's so cuteeeeeeee.

I love to hold him in my hand, feed him, and change diaper for him.

hahahahaha. but yeah.

(okay, random)

&& finally, I realised I need not look for anyone regarding relationship advice any more,

all I have to do is to just look into myself, and the answer will eventually come out.

& this time round, I'm not running away either, I just want to settle down.

In you, I see our future together, which is the truth.

Nothing's gonna change the fact, that I still love you.

& You are just what I want and need.

Finally its the last day tomorrow.

I made it on my own. I did.

So, I'm going to chill with myself tomorrow, heheh.

I'm gonna go get my first legal packet on my own, and satisfy those undisclosed desires.

Huff, and puff, and i'm gone.

Sleepy now,

XOXO.

Waiting for you,

2010-09-12T20:14:00.002+08:00

Sigh,

this time round.

I'm going KKH,

alone.

Fortunately,

its 5 days over there.

I hope I'll meet new and nice people :)

Waiting for you,

I'm waiting for you,

Waiting for you kiss me at the night,

...

random

2010-09-12T18:02:00.002+08:00

S'LAMAAAAT HARI RAYA TO ALL :}

yesterday's flea worked out fine,

cousin & me decided to rent another stall next month.

will inform again.

its my first experience, I didn't expect much.

although I didn't earn much, but still I'm happy about it.

Once you had one try, the second time it wont be the same any more.

you won't be shy about it, and like me, I'm all out to get moneeeeey.

LESSONS FROM LIFE:

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
Pay off your credit cards every month.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
The most important sex organ is the brain.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Believe in miracles.
God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
Your children get only one childhood.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Yield.
Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

A curious singularity

Ocean Wide

Hey February

Sweetest nightmare.

Good girls gone wild.

Day 24 of 366

Page 22 of 366

Do you remember?

Tonight

Am I Lost?

Cold As Ice

Moving on?

September 2011

:(

:'=(

someone like you ♥

choices

roll up.

that's the truth

pre-holiday

Fat Giraffe.

acme of love;

Unholy confession #100

Heart > Mind.

Paradise.

Among all the faces I'ver met, you're the most beautiful one.

hey baby

homagard.

back off

Geminian#

Extremely Intense

I got my own step;

Over it.

A guy won't kiss a girl on her forehead unless he's serious about her. Really?Look what you've have done to me 2.5 years ago. I don't actually quite remember bf has done that to me before? Once or twice? Maybe 2.5-3 years ago, my face was clean, than now. full of pimples.

kalau sayang,

morning blues.

Heavy dose of guilt.

Moment for life.

kalau cinta

Let it burn

Where we were.

Insomnia,

Gone.

You think its illogical?

fade away~

Just like crashing cars.

I can't love you forever.

Be my valentine

I'll be back, the optimist.

The Chosen One.

Lately,

The Secret Project

we'll do it like a dude;

I don't wanna wait;

I'm that beautiful monster;

crybaby(ies)

Either you risk it; or regret it

Christmas lights.

just run away,

These times ain't hard anymore, because I got back up

like a G6.

un-pleased.

when worlds collide.

sayings.

Wished, and wish you were right here with me.

Stay the night.

When the sun goes down, and comes back around

Believe.

its not public anymore

Coldplay's Replay

daily bonus

save tonight

grief and loss;

It actually felt like Sunday!

herstory.

Rest in peace.

Today's another new day.

Blog post 1

First love;

thursday payday, funday slackday :D

A guy won't kiss a girl on her forehead unless he's serious about her. Really?
Look what you've have done to me 2.5 years ago. I don't actually quite remember bf has done that to me before? Once or twice? Maybe 2.5-3 years ago, my face was clean, than now. full of pimples.